Monday, June 29, 2009

you have to admit, it's getting better...

Ahhhhhh, Savannah.  I love Savannah.  Even though I step outside from a shower and fresh face of make-up and immediately Mary Kay is dripping into my shirt, I still love Savannah.  The gnats feast on my thighs (and sometimes up my nose) but I still love it.  Most Christmases you are more likely to wear tank tops and flip flops than winter coats and scarves.  Doesn't matter.  I love Savannah.

I've often wondered why I love Savannah so much.  While driving to Savannah for an extended stay with my parents I realized what it is that I love so much--it's home.  I call it home.  Always have.  Even though I've only technically lived in the city limits of the Hostess City five years sporatically in my life.  Savannah is still home.  It is where I am from.

Growing up, most of our family was in Savannah.  Mom & Dad grew up here.  Leigh and I were born here.  (FYI:  If you are born in Savannah, you are "from" Savannah.  If you were not born here but moved here and lived her all your life you are not "from" Savannah, you live in Savannah.  The only exception to this rule could be Paula Deen.  Possibly.)  I guess we moved so much growing up that "home" became a relative term.  I always considered Savannah home because our family was so transient.  When I come to visit, I say, "I'm going home this weekend."  And I don't consider our Atlanta suburb home.  Cumming is merely where I live.

I think this upsets my husband because we pay a mortgage for a house that I don't consider home.  And it's not really the house that I don't consider--it is the town, the area.  I think that certain people are born with salt water in their blood, sand between their toes, and a high tolerance for sweet tea, pecan pie, and visitin' for an afternoon.  That's me.

Mostly, though, I think Savannah is home because I associate Savannah with my Mom and Dad.  And where ever they are, so will be my heart.   I know it's cliche..."home is where your heart is", but I guess I always knew (and still know) that no matter what...I am always safe here.

Home.

In Savannah, Georgia.

Friday, June 26, 2009

interesting article from the AJC

Analysis: SC gov's disappearance a problem for GOP By BETH FOUHY Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK — South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford's admission of an affair with a woman from Argentina is the latest sign that Republican governors — once thought to be President Obama's most credible adversaries — haven't quite lived up to their billing.
From Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal's cringe-inducing nationally televised response to Obama's first budget address to Texas Gov. Rick Perry's suggestion that his state might secede, GOP governors — including those said to be eyeing a potential 2012 presidential bid — haven't exactly looked like the political grown-ups many party strategists had promised.

(enlarge photo)
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford tearfully admitted to having an affair during a news conference in Columbia, S.C., Wednesday, June 24, 2009. He said that was the reason why he was in Argentina. He also announced that he is resigning as chairman of the Republican Governors Association.(AP Photo/Mary Ann Chastain)
And none has had a rockier go of it than the party's best-known governor, Alaska's Sarah Palin. The 2008 GOP vice presidential nominee has been dogged by ethics complaints and has engaged in public feuds with Levi Johnston, the former fiance of Palin's teenage daughter, Bristol, and the father of Bristol's infant son, and with late-night comic David Letterman.
Palin, whose vice presidential bid sparked a devoted grass-roots following across the country, has also angered GOP leaders in Washington for poor communication and for canceling appearances at party events and fundraisers.
But the latest high-profile fiasco involves Sanford, whose outspoken effort to refuse part of the federal stimulus money due his state had made him a darling of conservatives and fueled talk that he harbored presidential aspirations. But after disclosing the year-long affair at a news conference in Columbia, S.C., Sanford announced his resignation as chairman of the Republican Governors' Association .
Sanford, a father of four, disappeared last week, without telling his wife or staff where he was going. For two days after reporters starting asking questions, his office said he had gone hiking on the Appalachian Trial. He said Wednesday he had mentioned the possibility of a hiking trip to his staff before leaving. He confirmed Wednesday he had actually visited Argentina for several days.
So odd was the disappearance that Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, another Republican, publicly complained about Sanford's lack of communication.
The 49-year old Sanford has been a fierce critic of Obama's $787 billion economic stimulus package, even going to court to block $700 million South Carolina was to receive. He lost the court battle but boosted his national profile, making him a target of attack from national Democratic operatives — many of whom pounced on Sanford's unusual departure.
To be sure, not all politically ambitious GOP governors have seen their political fortunes stuck in the spring mud.
Mississippi's Haley Barbour was heading out Wednesday for high-profile visits to New Hampshire and Iowa, states with key early presidential contests. Barbour assumed the duties of Republican Governor's Association chairman after Sanford announced his resignation from the post on Wednesday.
Minnesota's Tim Pawlenty announced last month he would not seek re-election next year, clearing the way for an expected 2012 bid.
Florida's Charlie Crist is running to succeed retiring Republican Sen. Mel Martinez next year and could well have a presidential bid in the future. And Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman, who won praise for pushing his party to diversify, was viewed as enough of a political threat to Obama in 2012 that the president appointed him to be ambassador to China.
Barbour, a former chairman of the Republican National Committee and a well-regarded political strategist before becoming Mississippi governor, has long insisted that GOP governors would lead the party's efforts to rebuild. He reiterated that belief in an interview Tuesday, while acknowledging some of his colleagues' recent public relations challenges.
"When Democrats have majorities in Washington, Republicans there can oppose bad things and propose good things, but can't demonstrate that Republican ideas work," Barbour said. "The reason governors are so important is that they can take our ideas, implement them and show they can work."
In a sign that the political fortunes of Democratic governors may not be faring much better than their Republican counterparts, Barbour attended fundraisers this week for GOP gubernatorial candidates in New Jersey and Virginia.
In New Jersey, polls show former U.S. Attorney Chris Christie leading incumbent Gov. Jon Corzine, while former Virginia Attorney General Bob McDonnell is running a strong race against Democratic state Sen. Creigh Deeds to be the state's first GOP governor in eight years.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

hey mark majors...this one's for you...

SERIOUSLY????  I am asking in ALL honesty...WHAT IS WRONG WITH REPUBLICANS?

First, they criticize one of the best Presidents in recent history (and I really was a Hillary supporter, but I have to give it to Obama...he is a ROCK STAR) for DOING something...for signing more legislation in the first 5 months of office than Georgie signed in eight years.  These are the same people that go on the record when Jamie Lynn Spears gets knocked up at 16 and says that it's her parent's fault and in the next breath applaud Sarah Palin for sticking by her daughter when she was knocked up.  Had it been Obama's daughter, the Republicans would have totally pulled the race card and said:  another black, unwed, teenage daughter.

And while we're on the subject, let me digress.

I don't believe hate is healthy...however, this is America and we are the most unhealthy people in the world so a little hate ain't gonna kill us...I really do to the depths of my soul hate Sarah Palin.  I think that what she stands for as a woman and a mother is disgusting...I think the way the Republicans fawn all over her like she is the second coming of Jesus is ridiculous and I think that Sarah Palin is the Poster Woman for BAD MOTHER.  Any mother who willingly leaves a sick child to flaunt around the country to try to gain her own personal power should be put in J-A-I-L.  Why doesn't social services go to her house and investigate her???????  You think the exploitation of the Gosselin children is bad--Sarah Palin is FAR worse.

For example...David Letterman.  She used his joke to gain media attention for herself.  She doesn't really care about women's rights or protecting young girls (look at her political philosophies...it's there in black and white).  COME ON...will someone PLEASE shut this woman up?  I think what bothers me most are all the women out there that I really care about and respect who have "I support Sarah Palin" messages on their Facebooks and really do think that she was an adequate choice in female leadership for our country.  She can't make a coherent sentence, she thinks she can see Russia from her back yard, and she in no way supports the rights of women that grassroots and major organizations have been working on for years.  It makes me sick.  Really and truly....I think my blood pressure just went up a little bit more!

Now...back to Republicans in general....or specific...

What the hell is going on the SC governor Mark Sanford????  It wasn't that long ago that Republicans were calling for Clinton's head...and still make fun of him...or John Edwards...and now this SC governor (tauted as Obama's opposition in 2012) has floundered...like so many of those god-fearing, moral valued republican men in congress we've come to know. 

And the republicans just shrug it off like it is NO BIG DEAL...

Guess what?  I don't personally think that the fidelity of anyone is my business--public figure or not...we've got bigger fish to fry in America, people...like the fact that Detriot is becoming a ghost town, like the fact that I pay a RIDICULOUS amount of money for healthcare (and have already paid a ridiculous amount this year in preparation for my babY) but people with gov't assistance get the same service FOR FREE...I want free healthcare.  What about the fact that our schools are in SHAMBLES...No Child Left Behind (in my opinion, GWB's sickest and worst legacy) has created a situation where teachers must cow-tail to parents and standards that are leaving our students STUPID.  Yes, I said it.  When I teach 10th graders who (THE MAJORITY) read on 7th grade level or BELOW then America has a PROBLEM.

And the Republicans want Obama to solve all this shit over night...NOT POSSIBLE...it took GWB 8 years to screw it up...give BO a chance to turn it around...and stop trying to confuse the American public with crap that doesn't matter ... like your hypocritical take on EVERYTHING!!!  (Oh yeah, can you shut Sarah Palin up, she is seriously getting on my nerves...and upsetting the baby!!!)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

silence, but a memory

silence, but a memory
for the time that you 
were here
and said that you would
never leave
and yet, i sit in silence
bracing myself for morning
wondering, waiting
hearing nothing
but the neighbor
mow the grass.

Friday, June 12, 2009

what is is about the Pizza Hut Buffet?

So I had the opportunity to eat at the Pizza Hut Buffet today--alone.  Yes, sometimes (especially in the summer), I eat alone...and guess what?  I am totally a better person for it.  I used to be afraid to eat alone...severely afraid...afraid beyond anyone's imagination.  I thought it was sad when people went out by themselves with a newspaper or book and, aghast, ate alone.  But then I lived alone for like 3 years...so sometimes, if I wanted to go out, I had to eat alone...and I got over my fear...and now I actually like eating alone.

But I digress.

I often wonder if my own personal obsession with Pizza Hut (particularly thin crust pizza with pepperoni and extra sauce) can be attributed to the fact that my mother ate an entire Pizza Hut pizza the night she gave birth to me.  She also drank 2 beers.  And ate like 3 salads.  And I really like beer.  And salad.  So I wonder if this is because it is the last bit of nutritional excellence I received before I came out of the...you know...birthing area.  Ever since I was little I would often hanker for that Pizza Hut yumminess...and if it was a buffet...the better!! :)  (but sssshhhh...don't tell my husband, he thinks I don't like the Golden Coral because it's a buffet.  that's not true...I don't like it because it's GROSS!!!! and redneck).  Pizza Hut has always been my favorite.

So here I was, 7 months pregnant, out of the house because something is seriously going wrong with my mind I can't seem to stay still and I have seriously like designed and ordered everyone's Christmas gift online so I needed to get the hell out of the house today...and I needed lunch.  LOW AND BEHOLD...A Pizza Hut Buffet.  

I walked in...it smelled so good...like cinnamon and garlic...I know that they thought, "MAKE A FEW MORE PIZZAS" but I didn't over indulge...just several slices.  What's a girl to do?  I was hungry.  Pizza Hut, however, isn't the same.  (It's probably been like 15 years since I've actually been inside a PH...usually they come to me).  This one wasn't super clean (and the bathrooms were disgusting) and the service wasn't the best...but the pizza, oh the pizza...it was what I had wanted.

And then, after I read 2 chapters in ANGELS & DEMONS and paid my bill and left the buffet line, I begin to have eaters remorse.  This tends to happen every time I eat something that is OH SO GOOD but not for me! 

But hey, I'm pregnant...I'll give myself a break.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Laying In Bed Naked With My Clothes On

Against the wind I watched you dance

Caring only in my mind

Never daring to take a chance

 

You, so wonderfully your own

Inside and out

Never apologizing for it is all you’ve known

 

And here I am lying still

Afraid to let my heart speak

Knowing if I will

 

Too many words will slip form my lips

My bold shyness

Is all you get

 

As I lay in your arms I see

That life is merely these compressed moments

In this moment, you found me

 

Searching for night untainted by along

And we wandered into each others arms

Solace, security—still not known

Threatened by our passionate display of being afraid to let our hands roam.

Falling Through The Looking Glass

What was it that just happened

my thoughts

            merely pieces

Of a puzzle

            no connection

 

I’m falling through the looking glass

            there’s Alice, Hello!

Watching as I fall the

Empty faces starring at me, watching me

            fumble

The incoherent mantra of the day’s activities

            like a very Merry UnBirthday

Pieced together with fractions of unwords to fill the

Space.

 

It stopped, finally

Where did the time go?

            Passed by on the coattails of a rabbit

While I fell from a hole in the Earth back to Earth

Realizing that I no longer live in

Wonderland.

leaving las vegas

i came to win

hoping life would find me or i’d find life

there was

a fleeting speck of day when i thought

i hit the jackpot

so s surrendered to the wilds of the moment

soaking up every steal, every play, every move

falling ever so slowly into the trap of the game

i thought the had dealt

was perfect, suited me fine

and just as i was laying my cards on the table

you folded

leaving me to pick up the chips

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

untouchable face

beyond my peripheral vision*

he stands on the circumference of life

i turn my head to see him, move to feel him

but he doesn’t see me

he walks around in a world of his own creation

trying to avoid individuality, though it finds him

swearing at the wind of his mindless apparitions

he sits next to me and I reach out to touch him..

i can’t.

 

his father’s church does not intimidate me

i come and pray at his altar

a rosary of unknowing, seeking to find redemption

in the son’s sacrifice.

 

i haven’t seen his resurrection but he told me that it exists

and i wonder if he knows that while he stands on the outside

of a world created for us

i look into the eyes of the stars

for answers

praying to our God for a whisper of hope.

 

i stand clear of him as i see his shy walk

through the garden of edification

i don’t feel worthy of his grace and yet

he smiles at me as if to say come closer

and i move closer to feel him

i reach out my hand to touch his…

i can’t.

 

 

 

*line from 32 Flavors by Ani DiFranco

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I don't have a God problem...

I have never been a huge fan of religion...seems so stifling...even as a young girl, I remember being in Confirmation Classes and our preacher (who seemed VERY old to my 3rd grade self and not very open or progressive) dismissed my question, "But how do you know that Jesus was really real and not just a man?"  And I thought as Rev. Cardy ignored me that I did not want to be apart of his religion--didn't seem to promote an openness that I grew up in.

I have been lucky to have some wonderful spiritual advisors in my life who have let me question and who have helped me in my quest for understanding--my mother, a fantastic college professor, my childhood friend/minister.  All of whom allowed the question, never dismissing, giving me their own take on the subject.  Though my mother was a little concerned when, at 25, I still questioned Jesus' prophet hood.

I think that it is ironic that all of the people who have helped shape my personal faith are women--and religion is such a patriarchial institution. 

My husband and I attend a mega church--one that if we aren't there, no one notices (just two extra seats for others who are standing around).  We go regularly, but it seems in recent months, we haven't attended, not because of lack of faith but because of travel or life.  No real reason...sometimes, we just needed to sleep in.  Church, to us, is important, but not enough to join.  We feel safe surrounded by other sinners who do not know our names and we find comfort in the anonymity of our own personal experiences.  We often have "God" or "Church" conversations and I think that we are both secure enough in our belief that we want to raise our children in  a loving Christian home but that teaching those values doesn't mean that we have to be at church every time the door opens.

Church scares me.  Just a little.

And I still don't know if I have an answer to my third grade question.

I think my lack of understanding Jesus bothers my husband just a little--he tends to lean toward the blind faith realm.  Not me.  It's not that I need proof.  I have seen miracles and I know that God does exist.  I don't have a God problem.  I have a Jesus problem.  In some ways, that is enough for me.

But I can't help but want to go to church--and feel guilty when I don't.

I feel better about myself and my week when I am there.    And that means something to me.

I don't give a lot of money to the church--I feel that tithing is personal and that it doesn't have to be given to the church but to those in need, so I try to help out those people who ask (or who don't) with what I can and I think that both my husband and I have generous hearts (and pockets).

Isn't that what being a Christian is all about?

Then why do I often have an usettling feeling that I am a bad person or I should do more?  Isn't that what church, a manmade establishment designed to make people feel better about themselves by giving them answers to age old questions and in the meantime making you feel guilty, is supposed to do?

I think that my God is the same God that a 28-year-old sitting on her computer in Islamic Pakistan worships.  I think that my God is the same one a Budhist monk prays to in Tibet.  

I like to think of faith/religion/God as an umbrella.  At the top is God.  God is the same for everyone.  How you get to God--Budha, Jesus, Muhammed, Hinduism, etc--is up to you.  Everyone's beliefs are shaped through culture, ideas, history, proximity.  Just like in the Christian faith, there are several different "takes" on the stories and interpretations of the bible--Methodist, Baptist, Catholic, Presbyterian, Episcopalian.  God is still God in all of these sects, why can't we all be worshiping the same God?

God is love.  And I have a hard time believing that God would condemn people who love--homosexuals, heterosexuals, interracial couples.  And I don't understand how people can justify hate crimes (and MURDER) in the name of God and church and Jesus.  It pisses me off BEYOND belief.  I understand that the "RELIGIOUS RIGHT" needs to feel self-important, but my understanding and interpretation of church, of God's love holds no place for ignorance and hate.

And I guess that means I still have a lot of questions.


Monday, June 1, 2009

at what point...

...did we become yuppies?  I mean, seriously...a few years ago we ate cheap so that we when went out, we could drink cheap (or didn't eat at all).  I drove a two-door, stick shift Honda Civic and swore I'd never get rid of it...stickers on the back and all.  My idea of a good night out was a pack of smokes, a frozen pizza and a 12-pack of Budlight long-neck bottles.  Up until recently, I still wore clothes that I wore in college (8 years ago!).  I owned one pair of heels that I never wore and I thought that "nice jeans" (meaning freshly washed) could be worn for all occasions.

I look at my husband and I see the same thing happened to him, too.  While he was never quite a hippie (and no where near the dirty hippie I was) he was definitely alternative.  Combat boots, torn jeans, bracelets.   Um, now he irons his khakis, has a collection of polos that would make Arnold Palmer jealous and he, ahem, plays golf.

WHAT?????

And I know that we haven't, at least, I haven't, lost some of our old ideas and beliefs in justice, peace, and humanity.  But I think it is funny that now we eat at nice restaraunts, stay in nice hotels (and totally bitch when we stay at a hotel that isn't up to our "standards"...the same hotels a few years ago would have been considered swanky), wear clothes that match (and aren't ragged out), and...I drive a mid-size SUV.  

I looked at BJ the other day and said, "I think it's official.  We're yuppies."  He just stared at me and then we both shuddered...and then laughed.

outside my window...

the sea breeze runs it's fingers through the hair of the 
American Flag
the wings of the birds paint the sky the color
of the ocean below
the neon lights of OPEN blink hello
to the visitors looking for plastic memories to 
take home

outside my window

the breeze sticks to my skin
exfoliating all the stress of life
and the sun smiles upon my place it 
kissed me yesterday
and i smile back with my jackie-o style
as the young lovers pretend to ignore each other
while they hold hands

outside my window

is paradise.