we need adult supervision...

i decided i wanted to get pregnant and convinced my husband this would be a good idea.  i suppose we always were on the same "time table"...we'd wait a year after we got married, disregard traditional birth control methods and see what happens.  well, about the middle of july when i was finished with graduate school, the house had been bought, we'd been married for six months and i was confident in job as an english teacher i began to feel strange...like something, someone was missing from our family.  i told my husband how i felt.  his response, "in january."  six months, not so long to wait.  right?

well, i think i whined enough that he finally gave into giving up the birth control in October--almost three months earlier than we originally planned.  i was sure i was going to get pregnant.  not the first month.  not the second month.  by christmas, i was starting feel something different--like maybe i wanted to try  a new career, work full time on my writing and/or take the financial hit and teach college.  i wanted to travel and began to long for my back pack and passport...we could wait another year to have a baby...why rush?

then, a few days after the new year, i woke up and felt terrible.  my boobs literally doubled over night and i felt like i had been in the worse bar fight.  i laid on the sofa for a day or two, convinced i was hungover from the holidays and just needed to rest up before school started back.  then it hit me--i might be pregnant.  anxiety swept over me and i convinced my husband to take me to the store for a pregnancy test.  he swore i wasn't knocked up.  there was only one way to find out.  i pulled the plastic cap off the stick, stuck in in the urine stream, and waited.  

the box said three minutes.  thirty seconds later, a very pink line appeared in the window, fifteen more seconds and the second one appeared.  two lines equals preggers.  i took the stick downstairs to my husband where he sat, feet propped up on the coffee table, playing Tiger Woods on the Wii.  I looked at him and said, "I'm pregnant."  I don't remember being happy or sad...no real emotion coming from my face, merely fact.  I showed him the test.  "Take another," he said...pure panic in his voice.  I could barely squeeze anything else out of me but the few drops i was able to conjure up made it very clear--i was most definitely knocked up.  My husband's response to the second positive:

"Call your mother, we need adult supervision."

as the next few months progressed and i spent more time on the sofa in front of the TV than anything else, i felt like my husband was more excited than i was about the baby.  he wanted to tell the whole world and i just wanted to lay down.  he bought the baby presents and i had to eat.  he wanted to talk about cribs and i just wanted silence.  it wasn't that i resented the little human growing inside of my i just didn't feel at all.  and that scared me.  was i normal?

and then the weirdest thing happened...sometime between hearing the heartbeat (it wasn't until 12 weeks that i actually heard it) and feeling it move inside of me, i realized something new about myself.  i am a mother.  i am a mother to this little person living inside of me and all of those things i thought i wanted somehow don't seem quite as important.  at least, not for me to do alone.  

don't get me wrong, i think these people that are like, "I loved being pregnant" are crazy.  yes, i said it, certifiable.  i haven't had a difficult or rough pregnancy (but i'm only 5 and a 1/2 months along and i still have the heat of the summer to endure so i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch) but i am know that i don't want to be pregnant a lot.  i mean, i'd like to have more than one child.  of course.  but for now, i just can't wait to meet this one...i already worry about who he/she will become, what he/she will like, if they'll love me.

and that, i think, was my biggest problem.

for the first four months of this, i was so afraid that this little person wouldn't love me.  i realize now, it's okay.  i love him/her enough for the both of us.