I have been lucky to have some wonderful spiritual advisors in my life who have let me question and who have helped me in my quest for understanding--my mother, a fantastic college professor, my childhood friend/minister. All of whom allowed the question, never dismissing, giving me their own take on the subject. Though my mother was a little concerned when, at 25, I still questioned Jesus' prophet hood.
I think that it is ironic that all of the people who have helped shape my personal faith are women--and religion is such a patriarchial institution.
My husband and I attend a mega church--one that if we aren't there, no one notices (just two extra seats for others who are standing around). We go regularly, but it seems in recent months, we haven't attended, not because of lack of faith but because of travel or life. No real reason...sometimes, we just needed to sleep in. Church, to us, is important, but not enough to join. We feel safe surrounded by other sinners who do not know our names and we find comfort in the anonymity of our own personal experiences. We often have "God" or "Church" conversations and I think that we are both secure enough in our belief that we want to raise our children in a loving Christian home but that teaching those values doesn't mean that we have to be at church every time the door opens.
Church scares me. Just a little.
And I still don't know if I have an answer to my third grade question.
I think my lack of understanding Jesus bothers my husband just a little--he tends to lean toward the blind faith realm. Not me. It's not that I need proof. I have seen miracles and I know that God does exist. I don't have a God problem. I have a Jesus problem. In some ways, that is enough for me.
But I can't help but want to go to church--and feel guilty when I don't.
I feel better about myself and my week when I am there. And that means something to me.
I don't give a lot of money to the church--I feel that tithing is personal and that it doesn't have to be given to the church but to those in need, so I try to help out those people who ask (or who don't) with what I can and I think that both my husband and I have generous hearts (and pockets).
Isn't that what being a Christian is all about?
Then why do I often have an usettling feeling that I am a bad person or I should do more? Isn't that what church, a manmade establishment designed to make people feel better about themselves by giving them answers to age old questions and in the meantime making you feel guilty, is supposed to do?
I think that my God is the same God that a 28-year-old sitting on her computer in Islamic Pakistan worships. I think that my God is the same one a Budhist monk prays to in Tibet.
I like to think of faith/religion/God as an umbrella. At the top is God. God is the same for everyone. How you get to God--Budha, Jesus, Muhammed, Hinduism, etc--is up to you. Everyone's beliefs are shaped through culture, ideas, history, proximity. Just like in the Christian faith, there are several different "takes" on the stories and interpretations of the bible--Methodist, Baptist, Catholic, Presbyterian, Episcopalian. God is still God in all of these sects, why can't we all be worshiping the same God?
God is love. And I have a hard time believing that God would condemn people who love--homosexuals, heterosexuals, interracial couples. And I don't understand how people can justify hate crimes (and MURDER) in the name of God and church and Jesus. It pisses me off BEYOND belief. I understand that the "RELIGIOUS RIGHT" needs to feel self-important, but my understanding and interpretation of church, of God's love holds no place for ignorance and hate.
And I guess that means I still have a lot of questions.
Lori,
ReplyDeleteHave you heard of Unitarian Universalism? www.uua.org
I don't like to prostelytize my religion normally, because I did grow up in the South and thought it was horrible when people told me I was going to hell because I didn't believe in Jesus as my personal savior.
Short and skinny of it: Unitarians believe in 1 God, not the trinity (check out Jefferson's Bible if you want some background on how that relates to Jesus) and Universalism is based on the idea of universal salvation (or that a just and loving God would not send people to hell).
I attend church regularly and know that it was the only community in high school that made me feel loved, truly appreciated, and open to explore and discuss new ideas. I still enjoy that part of it today. Ironically, I just got back from a church retreat weekend and it was wonderful. Best wishes on your journey.
I've found, after a lot of years of not going to church at all and then finding an amazing one, that the right church for you can mean a lot of things to the different people who attend, and I think it's just important to find a place where that's true. For you, that may mean finding a place where pluralistic beliefs are okay, but you're absolutely right that creating the right environment in your home is of utmost importance.
ReplyDeleteI find our church in Baton Rouge (which happens to be Presbyterian, though I don't consider myself "only" a Presbyterian, if that makes sense) to be an amazingly accepting place, full of people who care about social justice and combating poverty as much as we do, and a place for us to come together to talk about those things. I don't always know the answer to the Jesus question either, but I do enjoy looking at Jesus' life and at what I think he was REALLY trying to teach about acceptance and equality, not what certain factions of the church are attempting to *say* he taught, as a way to live life, whether or not he was the son of God.
I guess what it comes down to is that it's been interesting to try to figure out how to be a liberal and a Christian at the same time. I believe that it can be done. ;)
To me, I look at Jesus when he was questioned about the Sabbath and he stated "Was Man made for the Sabbath, or was Sabbath made for Man". My take is that this Man Made structure of "Church" can fit in with this quote...did God create us all so we can go to Church, or did he give us Church for our benefit. I personally feel that I'm closer to Jesus when I am stimulated intellectually with the concept of Jesus wherever that happens to take place.
ReplyDeleteI remember after "The Davinci Code" came out I read a woman's quote to her pastor where she said, "Please don't let it be true that Jesus was married". I thought, how sad...that this whole person's faith depends on the marital status of Jesus. To me if that's a deal breaker, her faith isn't very strong and she's missing the ENTIRE point of Jesus. Jesus represents much more than the "black and white" picture portrayed by the Religious Right. Let's not forget that Jesus was a Jewish man who never went to "Church". It's these things, these pebbles of doubt and uncertainty that make me realize that I do love Jesus, and what he stood for, regardless of the "black and white". And to me...isn't that what Faith really is; believing in something, its ideals, its values, without having the answer to every question?
Lori, your question as a young girl is why you are a beautiful person, and will raise a beautiful child who will find their Faith in their quest for answers. It's in the questions we find Faith, for if we knew all the answers there would be no need.