I want to snuggle...

...he wants to grope me.

And so it is with being married.  My mother tells me all the time that I could have never married a more wonderful guy--he's kind, he's successful, he loves me...and he cooks.  She says she doesn't care if he drives me crazy, that is what you sign up for when you get married--eternal aggravation.  

So it seems to be true.

My husband works from home.  At least 3-4 days out of the week, I come home to a messy kitchen (which was sanitized and wiped down before I left for work), a sink full of dirty dishes and a dishwasher full of clean ones.  Normally, I clean and straighten up and come home to what I call "little piles of crap" all over the place.  And where is my husband?  In his home office working?  No.  Nine times out of ten I will find him engrossed in some video game he's playing online against a twelve-year-old in Texas or someplace.  It burns me up.

But I am sure that my faults run deep.  

Like, since I've been pregnant, I have been a little needy--and whiny.  Well, a little is an understatement (but as soon as I pop out this kid, I swear, I'll go back to my old self).  And I tend to get fixated on things...especially things about people I have no control over.  Sometimes, I say really inappropriate things.  That are mean.  I should just keep those thoughts to myself, huh?  (I can't help it) And I really could care less about sports (which in almost two years of marriage I have realized is a MAJOR obsession of my husband--one that makes him almost certifiable!).  

I don't think he agonizes over my faults like I do his.

If he'd only learn to just pick up his damn underwear...then I wouldn't, as he calls it, "NAG".

Recently, I was talking to one of my best friends about being married...and we both married incredible men, who, like every one, have flaws.  Somehow, we began to talk about someone we know who got married merely for the wedding...and how from our perspective have nothing in common enough to talk about on a daily basis.  And I thought about me & BJ.  How we talk all the time..about serious stuff, about dumb stuff, about future stuff.  Sometimes we horseplay in the living room and dance in the kitchen.  Sometimes, we pick fights with each other just so we can scream and yell (and then make up).  Our life is a comedy of errors full of laughter and tears and passion...we are two extremely strong personalities living under one roof...and I can't imagine being with any one else.  And I can't imagine living with someone I have nothing in common with.

So many people/friends I know got married because they wanted a wedding.  The veil, the dress, the flowers, the dj.  When the music stopped, they were stuck in a  house with someone they thought was "fun", eating boxed macaroni off brand new everyday china and wondering, "is this what it is really all about?"  I mean, let's face it--boys smell bad.  And if you didn't grow up with brothers, you didn't know that going in (unless you lived with them beforehand...which I did and I swear he wasn't as smelly...messy, yes...smelly...no).  There is this fantasy of "playing house" and cooking gourmet meals and planting flowers and wild, passionate love affairs with each other (okay, maybe that particular one was mine) and a few months into it you realize that you just wake up and get ready for work and work eight hours and come home and clean up and cook dinner and veg out and watch tv and are in bed before the ten o'clock show and asleep before the evening news and the next day you do it all over again.  

But that is not just marriage...that is adulthood.

My life was that boring and mundane before I was married...except every once and a while I'd go out and dance at the club.  But by the time I turned 25, I was just a little too old to go "clubbin'".  The wine bar was nice, though.  But all the same responsibilities existed--job, bills, family.  Now, though, I have to think about how my actions/words/thoughts/desires will impact another person.  I wonder if people really think about it in those terms when they get married.  I know that we did.  We talked  a lot about how the things we desired meshed or didn't with our life plans as an "us".  I know too many people who get married because it seems like "the next step" or "we've been together so long" and they have never really experienced the world on their own.  And I don't buy that whole, "we're going to experience the world together" crap.  Something like 70% of people who get married before they are 25 get divorced.  One in three couples get divorced.  I attribute this to not knowing yourself.

No, just because I waited until I was 27 to get married doesn't mean I'm right.

Often, I find my thoughts on things I thought I knew about are changing...but I do think that there is something to be said about A) having a job you got all on your own; B) having an apartment that YOU pay for...ALL THE BILLS C) eating burnt frozen waffles for dinner with the very last squeeze of syrup because that was all you could afford...and you don't get paid for 3 more days.  Those are the moments/times/years that build character.  And independence.  And stories for the future.

So when you are almost thirty and have a house (that you paid for all by yourself) you can be proud of it...even if you have to pick up your husband's dirty underwear off the floor.

And even though he gets on your nerves...eternally...you know yourself well enough to know what your faults are--and that you are getting on his nerves just as bad.  You don't depend on each other in the same ways--for like, your entire self worth.  When you've experienced the world on your own...your self worth was created/summoned/realized by YOU.  I don't need BJ to make me feel like I am worth something to this world...but I have carved out a nice little place for him in my life that requires him to help me in other, more healthy ways.

We are two different people...not "ONE"...existing in a world we've created and maintained.  But we have individual ideas and needs and desires.

Like sometimes, I want to snuggle....and he wants to grope.

happy, happy birthday baby...

Tomorrow, my husband turns 29.  This kind of freaks me out--I mean, I remember when I was 20 and I thought 30 was SUPER old...and here he is, on the cusp of a new decade, his last year of being in his 20s.  And I'm right behind him.  Just a month away.  

Except when I turn 29, I'll be a mother.  So weird.

When I was 18, I decided on all the things I would do before I turned 30.  Like all goal-oriented, A-type personality teenagers, I made a list:

By the age of 30, I will:

1)  be married

2)  have a successful writing career

3)  finished my Master's Degree

4)  be published

5)  have a kid

So, I guess I have a year to accomplish 2 & 4...not so bad, if I do say so myself.  Plus, all the profs in grad school say that publishing before the age of 30 is unlikely--apparently 20 somethings don't have a lot of relevance to say.  Who knew?

I am beginning to wonder if we are ready...you know, for adulthood.  I mean, at this point, there is no real going back.  But we are officially entering that "we're the adults now" stage and it is a lot on the scary side.  Sure, we got married.  Yeah, we own a house & pay the bills.  We run a household smoothly...just the two of us.  And we've functioned well just the two of us for almost three years now (wow...hard to believe it will be 3 years in December since we got back together and 2 years since we got married).  And I know that both of us will be awesome parents...mostly because we want to be parents for the right reasons...but then, you realize (or at least I do) that in a few short weeks, I will be responsible for a human life...yes, there is a human growing inside of me and I will be responsible for her.

What if I forget her at the grocery store?  What if I cuss too much and she begins to repeat my bad habit?  What if I smother her?  What if I am too relaxed?  How come at 29 I am all of a sudden old enough and responsible enough to be a Mommy?  This makes no sense to me.  How do I know I am ready?  How do I know that my goals have been complete...how do I know I am setting a good example for my daughter?

The answer is simple.  I don't.  But I do know that there are a lot of people in this world that are parents that really aren't ready.  They get pregnant on accident or because everyone else is and they can hardly take care of themselves.  There are people who are selfish and self consumed and are thrust into adulthood because of bad or intentional choices they weren't ready for.

But that is not us.  We quickly went from two very independent, bohemian-style outlooks on life to a couple...there was no real gradual courtship.  One day we were single...the next day we were inseparable.  And I think we've done a pretty darn good job being adults thus far.  

Hopefully. 

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

For many, the most wonderful time of the year comes when the weather begins to get blustery, the jingle of the Salvation Army bell begins to ring, parents continuously remind children, "Santa is watching", and our homes fill with the smells of family--dirty laundry, turkeys, Christmas cookies and pine needles.  I love the Holiday Season, too.  Stories of The Grinch & flying reindeer, the joy & merriment of the spirit of the people around you, wrapping paper and Christmas Carols give me warm fuzzy feelings, too.

However, I think the most wonderful time of the year begins a few months sooner.

Ah, the start of school.

For most people, the Holidays and New Year is a time of new beginnings, resolutions, a chance to start over.  For me, August has always been that time. Unlike people "in the real world" (that was sarcasm, yes), teachers get to update themselves every 9 months.  We get to start fresh--new students, new supplies, new ideas, new parents.  Whatever mistakes I made teaching, either in content or with handling situations, I get to make it up and try again.  Sure, most of us don't change completely, but we get to start fresh.  Most jobs don't have that luxury.  You screw up, you live with it until your next job.  Summer has a magical way of erasing not just the bad memories of the year--but the mistakes, too.  With new class rosters is your chance to change the things that didn't work out--and try something new.  Of course, unlike "desk jobs", there are significant challenges that are brought about...but that, to me, is part of the fun.  Learning what the challenges are--and facing them.

And then there are the school supplies.  Forget holiday shopping--put me in an isle of new notebooks, pencils, markers, note cards, hot glue, construction paper.  New school supplies are a high like I have never experienced.  (I should have known I was destined to be a teacher--I've always loved new school supplies!)  There is something almost orgasmic about the way a brand new Uni Ball pen feels on a new, never been written on Mead 5-Star notebook (and yes, brand does matter when it comes to school supplies!)

The greatest invention was tax-free weekend...it is merely an excuse to buy more school supplies than I need.

One of the greatest things about starting fresh is coming up with new ideas and tweaking old ideas so that fit in the context of a new one.  For example, this year, I am having a "Facebook" Theme.  Students will not only fill out their own status updates & profiles for themselves, but for the characters in the novels that we read, too.  I like to try to get students engaged by utilizing new and cool ideas from pop culture.  It is how I try to stay "hip".

No, teaching high school is not all presents on Christmas morning.  Most of the time, I feel stuck in the aftermath of the holidays--you know, where you are sluggish because of too much triptophan?  But every once in a while, students actually "get" it.  And when they do, to see that light bulb go off....well, it's like opening that one present you've wanted all year on Christmas morning over and over again.

For the Record

My nine-year-old, 5th grade, Sarah Palin loving cousin has reminded me of something that I have been continuously been telling my father my entire life:  it doesn't matter what you meant or intended it is the perception of your actions that counts.

For this, I would like to set the record straight.

FOR THE RECORD:  It was not my intention to "call out" or upset my cousin, Aunt or Uncle.  I was merely using the Sarah Palin/Republican anecdote as just that--a short, specific  little aside to illustrate a larger point, laced with sarcasm revealing my own personal bias in an effort to make something funny.  This is my own personal writing style--certainly not meant to hurt anyone's feelings.

FOR THE RECORD:  I, too, think my uncle is one of the smartest people I have ever met.  And while I don't share his same political views, I respect his view point and most importantly, that we live in a country that allows us to have differing view points and still love each other.  I also immensely respect that he talks to his daughter about what is happening in the world and that she is more knowledgeable as a 5th grader than most of my adult friends.  It is my hope to give my child the same knowledge and forum as he does.

FOR THE RECORD:  I think that my Aunt and Uncle are amazing parents...besides my own, they are the people that I look up to the most and hope to model my parenting skills after.

FOR THE RECORD:  When Caroline grows up, I hope she is just like Madison--a passionate child with more charisma and savy in one small finger than most people have in the entire being.  And if Caroline likes Sarah Palin, I'll be okay with it (but I am certainly rooting for Hillary).

and finally, FOR THE RECORD:  It really wasn't my intent to upset anyone, and I'm sorry.

misguided youth

My 5th grade cousin is obsessed.  With what?  Jonas Brothers, Facebook, dance, Miley Cyrus...oh yeah, and Sarah Palin.

I blame her father for misguiding her.  He told her once that I was a liberal.  She asked, "What's that?" and he replied, the enemy.  

I am the enemy in my family.

That's okay...better than being the ignorant.

Today, Sarah Palin is no longer Governor of Alaska.  Some of my friends see this as a bad thing--they are afraid that Mrs. Palin will gain momentum and potentially more support to help her raise a bid for the 2012 election.  But I don't.  I think that the Ethics Violations (and the half million dollars she's already forked out personally for her defense) offend most progressive, reasonable Americans.  Her true lack of experience is frightening.  Now she can add another adjective to her resume--quitter.  I don't think the American people are too keen on having a public servant who is willing to quit mid-term.  What happens if the Presidency gets too hard for her?  What then?  One of the greatest lessons my Dad ever taught me was that once you start something, you don't quit (so I wonder what he thinks of his girl Palin, now?).  Quitting is a true character flaw!  Forget that she was willing to abandon a special needs child to seek her own political gain.  Forget that her teenage daughter was knocked up before she graduated high school (and seriously?  that is a reflection on the parents, no matter how the Republican pundants try to spin it).  Once she begins her multi-million dollar book and speaking tour, pays off her debt, gets some more designer clothes, and continues putting her foot in her mouth...America will wisen up.  People are disabled financially and her "folksy charm" isn't going to make them feel better when she has private jets and the like.

Yeah, 100,000 people follow her on twitter.  10 times that follow Ashton Kutcher.  There are over 300 million Americans.  Sarah Palin is small potatoes.  People still remember the catastrophe that was the Katie Curric interview.  Or that Palin believes she can see Russia from her back yard...or that Joe completely annilated her in the Vice Presidential Debate.  She wants to run with the big boys (and girls...I would have LOVED to see Hillary run her down) but she can't...and if the Republicans are going to be that ignorant as to nominate her...then you ain't seen nothing yet.  BO will mop the floor with her so bad, she'll turn down the nomination before she gets a chance to apply her lipstick!

As for my misguided cousin...I still have hope.  She's only in the 5th grade...and it is kinda cute when she dresses up like Palin and wears her "Palin Power" button...but she doesn't really know better, she doesn't have a chance to know any better.  I have seen her generosity, love, and progressive nature--once she gets a chance to really "get" what is going on, she'll move over to my side.

And then we'll be allies.

i have absolutely NO concept...

...of boys and their toys.

BJ is absolutely OBSESSED with video games...particularly football and sports crap.  Since we've been together (like 3 years) he has had like 3 new X-Boxes because they keep breaking.  And no matter how much money is in the bank, once the X-Box breaks, he MUST get a new one.  Right then.  No exception.  I have seriously seen him have a spastic meltdown over the friggin' thing.

Luckily, the last one was bought new and with an extended warranty.  

So when it broke last week, all he had to do is take it to Best Buy and they fixed it...but he was without an X-Box for like 5 days...and this was College Football week...you know, the new College Football game that came out?  Yeah, I didn't know about it either...apparently it is a big deal.  So big, in fact, that he had to go to Target at 8 in the morning and get it (even when he didn't have an X-Box)...yes...at the doors when they opened.  To play a game he didn't have a system to play on.  After he bought his own copy, he spent the day at his buddy's house playing.  And several hours the next day.

And because he FINALLY got his system back last night, he played until the wee hours of the morning and then got up...he's up right now, 7:30 am, to play.  He just announced to me that the "first game of the high school play offs is against Fitzgerald"...like i care.  I saw REAL PLAY OFF GAMES in Fitzgerald...does he seriously think this matters???

I get that everyone should have something they enjoy doing...something that makes them happy...something that is fun...but I think my husband is sick and needs help.  He has unhealthy obsessions with things like golf, video games, gadgets...obsessions that are only quinched in the moment and must be met at those exact times...they are scary.  

I do not understand how grown men can spend hours (when they could be working, reading, god forbid, helping us around the house) playing some stupid video game.  Apparently he's in a "dynasty" whatever the hell that means.  I don't think I want to know.

I would just like an explanation...especially since I know if I went into my living room right now butt naked and tried to seduce him, he would push me out the way and tell me "I'm not in the mood"...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH BOYS??????

secrets...

i feel like the secret keeper of my family & friends.  i know things.  i know things i shouldn't but i do because people confide in me, i overhear information i shouldn't, i nose my way into details.  but then i have all this information that i can't do anything with...and i am of the belief that sometimes, you should tell the truth...hell, i'm a nonfiction writer.

like a certain someone i know...i think this person deserves to know that their sense of entitlement and inability to be patient has ruined their reputation and cost someone they care about deeply an opportunity they have worked extremely hard to attain.

i have a friend whose husband has inappropriate relationships with other women--especially when she is out of town.

i know that sometimes, small town police lie.

but i'm not really supposed to know any of this...and letting the secrets out won't do anything, really...just get people in trouble or upset or maybe not my friend...so what's the point, really?

i'll just carry the burden of truth.