And so it is with being married. My mother tells me all the time that I could have never married a more wonderful guy--he's kind, he's successful, he loves me...and he cooks. She says she doesn't care if he drives me crazy, that is what you sign up for when you get married--eternal aggravation.
So it seems to be true.
My husband works from home. At least 3-4 days out of the week, I come home to a messy kitchen (which was sanitized and wiped down before I left for work), a sink full of dirty dishes and a dishwasher full of clean ones. Normally, I clean and straighten up and come home to what I call "little piles of crap" all over the place. And where is my husband? In his home office working? No. Nine times out of ten I will find him engrossed in some video game he's playing online against a twelve-year-old in Texas or someplace. It burns me up.
But I am sure that my faults run deep.
Like, since I've been pregnant, I have been a little needy--and whiny. Well, a little is an understatement (but as soon as I pop out this kid, I swear, I'll go back to my old self). And I tend to get fixated on things...especially things about people I have no control over. Sometimes, I say really inappropriate things. That are mean. I should just keep those thoughts to myself, huh? (I can't help it) And I really could care less about sports (which in almost two years of marriage I have realized is a MAJOR obsession of my husband--one that makes him almost certifiable!).
I don't think he agonizes over my faults like I do his.
If he'd only learn to just pick up his damn underwear...then I wouldn't, as he calls it, "NAG".
Recently, I was talking to one of my best friends about being married...and we both married incredible men, who, like every one, have flaws. Somehow, we began to talk about someone we know who got married merely for the wedding...and how from our perspective have nothing in common enough to talk about on a daily basis. And I thought about me & BJ. How we talk all the time..about serious stuff, about dumb stuff, about future stuff. Sometimes we horseplay in the living room and dance in the kitchen. Sometimes, we pick fights with each other just so we can scream and yell (and then make up). Our life is a comedy of errors full of laughter and tears and passion...we are two extremely strong personalities living under one roof...and I can't imagine being with any one else. And I can't imagine living with someone I have nothing in common with.
So many people/friends I know got married because they wanted a wedding. The veil, the dress, the flowers, the dj. When the music stopped, they were stuck in a house with someone they thought was "fun", eating boxed macaroni off brand new everyday china and wondering, "is this what it is really all about?" I mean, let's face it--boys smell bad. And if you didn't grow up with brothers, you didn't know that going in (unless you lived with them beforehand...which I did and I swear he wasn't as smelly...messy, yes...smelly...no). There is this fantasy of "playing house" and cooking gourmet meals and planting flowers and wild, passionate love affairs with each other (okay, maybe that particular one was mine) and a few months into it you realize that you just wake up and get ready for work and work eight hours and come home and clean up and cook dinner and veg out and watch tv and are in bed before the ten o'clock show and asleep before the evening news and the next day you do it all over again.
But that is not just marriage...that is adulthood.
My life was that boring and mundane before I was married...except every once and a while I'd go out and dance at the club. But by the time I turned 25, I was just a little too old to go "clubbin'". The wine bar was nice, though. But all the same responsibilities existed--job, bills, family. Now, though, I have to think about how my actions/words/thoughts/desires will impact another person. I wonder if people really think about it in those terms when they get married. I know that we did. We talked a lot about how the things we desired meshed or didn't with our life plans as an "us". I know too many people who get married because it seems like "the next step" or "we've been together so long" and they have never really experienced the world on their own. And I don't buy that whole, "we're going to experience the world together" crap. Something like 70% of people who get married before they are 25 get divorced. One in three couples get divorced. I attribute this to not knowing yourself.
No, just because I waited until I was 27 to get married doesn't mean I'm right.
Often, I find my thoughts on things I thought I knew about are changing...but I do think that there is something to be said about A) having a job you got all on your own; B) having an apartment that YOU pay for...ALL THE BILLS C) eating burnt frozen waffles for dinner with the very last squeeze of syrup because that was all you could afford...and you don't get paid for 3 more days. Those are the moments/times/years that build character. And independence. And stories for the future.
So when you are almost thirty and have a house (that you paid for all by yourself) you can be proud of it...even if you have to pick up your husband's dirty underwear off the floor.
And even though he gets on your nerves...eternally...you know yourself well enough to know what your faults are--and that you are getting on his nerves just as bad. You don't depend on each other in the same ways--for like, your entire self worth. When you've experienced the world on your own...your self worth was created/summoned/realized by YOU. I don't need BJ to make me feel like I am worth something to this world...but I have carved out a nice little place for him in my life that requires him to help me in other, more healthy ways.
We are two different people...not "ONE"...existing in a world we've created and maintained. But we have individual ideas and needs and desires.
Like sometimes, I want to snuggle....and he wants to grope.
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