it was a place i loved once...

...my fantastic husband made arrangements to bring me to Charlotte for the graduation of some of my CCHS students and to see some old friends who i haven't seen in a while.  as we were driving the streets of my past, i realized how much i missed it and love it here...but at the same time, i wouldn't change leaving (even though i am not in love with where i currently abide) because if i didn't leave, i wouldn't be with him.

and i love him.  very much.

even though sometimes i think the only thing we agree on is that we love each other.

even though he drives me C-R-A-Z-Y.

and while i would like to move back to a more progressive area instead of living in the the republican capital of the world (seriously, i think that only two people in my town voted for Barack Obama--me & bj).  but i am hoping that soon he will get a promotion and we'll be offered a chance to move somewhere different.

i hope.

maybe.

this is random...i think my brain is still asleep.

really?

i don't understand people.  certain people.  selfish people.  people who make plans that should involve you and then call you too late to participate in an effort to "make an effort" when it is apparent that the invitation was only to make it seem like they weren't the assholes. ugh.

and then when you do things correctly--like plan for a special event and make things nice and include them, they are always here to drink your beer and eat your food.  and they don't bring anything.  or they bring the ingredients to make something when they get to your house.

rude.  just rude.  and selfish.  ugh.

what happens when you eat all your allotted calories before 9am?

It has become too easy...my caloric intake has become too large.  And before you people start commenting "but you're pregnant" you need to realize that on average, as a pregnant woman, you need only 300 more calories than usual.  And what was normal before pregnancy?

Before pregnancy, I wouldn't dare eat a biscuit from McDonald's or any other drive-thru.  Very rarely would I feast on doughnuts.  I would never, ever be able to down an entire meal complete with salad, breadsticks, and pasta from Georgio's nor would I sit and eat an half a pizza in one sitting (well, maybe if that sitting was  a lazy Saturday and it was breakfast/lunch/dinner).  Certainly, french fries would not be a common veggie on my plate.  I am shocked that my ass still fits on the sofa.  

So I know I shouldn't worry...if I was gaining too much weight the doctor would tell me.  Many people so sweetly note that I don't really look "that" pregnant (and I guess that means huge and massive for 6 months in).  However, I feel my face getting rounder by the minute (yes, I can actually feel my chubby cheeks puffing out).  My breasts are enlarge to a point that I wonder if they'll ever be normal again.  And my thighs are starting to rub together.

I'd go out for a walk, but every time I get to the front of the neighborhood, I can barely breathe.  This extra 20+ lbs has made it difficult to breathe, walk, exercise, function.  I feel like I am a walking bowl of lard.  

And yet, I can't help myself.

It is not long after I complete gorging myself that I desire something more.  It's like, there isn't enough food in the world.  AND IT'S GROSS.

Just plain gross.

I NEED YOUR HELP!!!

hello friends...i need your help...ASAP!!!

so, everyone knows that i am a writer, i just really want to be paid to do it...all the time.  and i think i might have my chance.  i know someone who has a connection to none other than PAULA DEEN...yes, the Queen of Savannah, herself.  so i am putting together a set of essays/columns to send to her in hopes that she will hire me to write a column for her magazine & website.

the column that i am pitching is called "Mama Was Right" and it is meant to be for all those good southern girls who in the same place i am right now:  learning that our Mama's were right!  from writing thank you notes to throwing parties to getting along with the in-laws for the holidays. 

i need you to send me all of your ideas of the things Mama Was Right about!!!!

thanks!

i lost myself in mint chocolate chip ice cream...

so twenty pounds (probably more, now) heavier and i vow to walk almost everyday.  but there is a severe weather alert out...i've had a few cramps today...i am a bit exhausted for some reason (why, i don't know) so i found my saved dvr's, made myself a cup of creamy mint chocolate chip ice cream and ordered a pizza (this is my life when my husband is out of town).  yes, i ate dessert first.  sometimes, you just need to.  no.  sometimes, you just want to.  and so i lost myself in a cup of creamy yet chunky mint chocolate chip ice cream and decided to forget about the calories (hey...i'm pregnant!).

then i remembered that i taped the today show.

and i watched bristol palin.

i can't say what i think about bristol palin because honestly, i don't know if i really have a particular feeling.  (i have a very particular feeling about her mother...it's not very nice...let's just say that she and george w. bush better not ever show up at my house because after i tell them how i really feel, i'll slam the door in their face then call the cops for trespassing).  after bristol went on national tv and said that abstinence is unrealistic for teenagers, she is now the spokesperson for a national abstinence campaign.  SERIOUSLY??? 

first, i operate under the assumption that all teenagers are having sex, smoking pot and getting drunk every weekend.  perhaps this is stereotypical and wrong; however, it alleviates a lot of angst on my part and when i found out they aren't doing these things, i can be surprised in a good way not a bad way.  and i think that it is a sad truth that abstinence is not realistic for teens today.  but it is a truth.  we have created a society in which sex and drugs are normal.  my students don't think that smoking pot is really doing drugs.  and they don't think twice about drinking and driving.  i teach a kid who is a really great kid--good, strong christian family and high moral integrity.  he lost his virginity as a freshman.  in the six or so months that he and his girlfriend have broken up, he's slept with at least five girls.  he has not "dated" a single one of them.  why i know this, i don't know...for some reason, they like to tell me things.  like this 11th grade girl who confessed she'd already had an abortion.  or the 10th grade girl who confessed she had an std.  or the guy who's girlfriend broke up with her because he wouldn't sleep with her.

teens are being pressured to be adults and their brains (and bodies) can't handle the decisions or the consequences.  the pressure is just too great.

i get what bristol palin is trying to do...but i don't think her current position on teen sex is real.  it's not realistic.  we can't tell these kids "don't do it"...even if that is what we want to say.  even that is what the right thing to say is.  i wish i had waited.  more than that...i wish i would have had sex with my husband when we were in high school...then we wouldn't have broken up.  but then again...i might have gotten pregnant at 18 instead of 28...

i don't know how to solve these problems (and i know, realistically, i can't).  but i don't think bristol palin going on national tv and saying "DON'T DO IT" is going to do any good.

it scares me.  it makes me depressed.  i think i'll eat another bowl of ice cream!

unmentionables

have you ever noticed that you mother has weird thoughts/sayings/insights into the world around her?  maybe your mother doesn't, but mine does.  she is constantly telling me what is "proper" and how i "should" be doing something.  

like underwear.  my mother is obsessed with underwear.

seriously, the woman rides around town with a pair of clean underwear in a ziploc bag in her glove compartment "just incase she has an accident".  my mother is 57 so there is no fear of incontinence, however, she is afraid that she'll sneeze or laugh so hard that she'll wet herself.  so she carries a spare.  just in case.

not only is my mother obsessed with her underwear, she is obsessed with my underwear, too.  and my dad's.  and my sister's for that matter.  sometimes, she inquires about my husband's unmentionables.  this is mainly in regards to if we packed enough underwear for a visit.  Mama's minimum:  two pairs for every day you are gone.  So, if it's a weekend trip, 6 pairs of undies.  A week trip, 14.  you get the picture.  once, i went on a ten day vacation--i only had sixteen pairs of underwear; mother insisted i go out and buy an extra four pairs.

i recognize that my mother is more than merely quirky...she's certifiable.  and that is okay.  i love her for it.  it's just, i am beginning to understand her obsession.

the other day, i was in target browsing and i felt a sneeze come upon me.  it came from deep in the depths of my stomach.  and as the sneeze came out of my nose,  a small little drip came from my you know where.   oh yes, i wet my panties. my husband could tell something was wrong because he said, "are you okay".  i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  i just looked at him and said, "i think i just peed my pants".  now it was his turn to not know if he should laugh.  his suggestion is that i wear panty liners from now until eternity...that will not work (he obviously doesn't understand the lack of absorption power that panty liners hold.  

so i guess i am stuck carrying around an extra pair of undies in a ziploc baggie.  you know, just in case.

same shit...different day...

so i really hate to complain...i've realized through the course of my life that you can get stuck in a negative place and then everything is negative and everything sucks and it's really hard to get happy...i was there a year ago.  stressed to hilts, teaching at a school where i felt like i just couldn't make a difference.  i did not understand nor agree with nor comply with the policies of the department in which i was stuck.  on top of that i had a few things going on in my personal life--getting married, buying a house, writing a graduate thesis.  you know, just a few things.  so i decided that i would do one of two things by years end A) get a transfer or B) find a new job.  luckily, A came before B.  so i moved.  and i started this year determined to make it better than any of the others i taught...and so was first semester.  the kids are low (well, low by the standards that i have...10th graders who read on a 6th or 7th grade reading level) but for the most part they were somewhat intuned to what i was trying to do.

christmas break commences.

i find out the day before school starts for second semester that i am pregnant.  as the weeks go by, i am more freaked and feeling shitty...but hey, i am still teaching.  the kids, however, have stopped learning.  and i say this in all sincerity...i know that i was not the BEST teacher from Jan-Mar this year...i do recognize that i could have done a better job HOWEVER COMMA, i have taken an unofficial poll from my colleagues across the building and all concur that the kids' attitudes, work ethics, and overall general demeanor completely sucked donkey balls from the start of second semester this year.  i accept my blame, but for some reason, they do not accept there's.

here's where the fun starts.

students refuse to do work.  students get zeros.  mommy calls and tells teacher that her pregnancy hormones are the reason student is not passing.  teacher gives student opportunity to redo and turn in make up work for partial credit.  student does not.  administrator tells teacher(s) to offer make up opportunities even though opportunities have been given.  SERIOUSLY??????  this is rigor in the classroom?

i just spent the better half of today arguing with 16 year olds about how they cannot EXEMPT the entire project due at the end of the year only the presentation.  (oh yeah, students can exempt exams based on their absences... so if you have 2 absences and a C in my class, guess what?  you don't have to take my exam...is this the real world?)

not to mention that they can not follow along on a sheet of paper that is copied front to back.  THEY ARE CONFUSED.  want to know the best part...I TEACH COLLEGE PREP!!!!

i know that all jobs have there problems and the grass isn't always greener...and yeah, i get that i get a summer vacation (so don't even go there)...but every day i see the world through the eyes of teenagers unable to make any real, competent decisions.  i used to be able to reach them...i don't think i've made a difference in any of the kids lives' i've taught in two years...

i don't know how much longer i can do this.