I want to snuggle...

...he wants to grope me.

And so it is with being married.  My mother tells me all the time that I could have never married a more wonderful guy--he's kind, he's successful, he loves me...and he cooks.  She says she doesn't care if he drives me crazy, that is what you sign up for when you get married--eternal aggravation.  

So it seems to be true.

My husband works from home.  At least 3-4 days out of the week, I come home to a messy kitchen (which was sanitized and wiped down before I left for work), a sink full of dirty dishes and a dishwasher full of clean ones.  Normally, I clean and straighten up and come home to what I call "little piles of crap" all over the place.  And where is my husband?  In his home office working?  No.  Nine times out of ten I will find him engrossed in some video game he's playing online against a twelve-year-old in Texas or someplace.  It burns me up.

But I am sure that my faults run deep.  

Like, since I've been pregnant, I have been a little needy--and whiny.  Well, a little is an understatement (but as soon as I pop out this kid, I swear, I'll go back to my old self).  And I tend to get fixated on things...especially things about people I have no control over.  Sometimes, I say really inappropriate things.  That are mean.  I should just keep those thoughts to myself, huh?  (I can't help it) And I really could care less about sports (which in almost two years of marriage I have realized is a MAJOR obsession of my husband--one that makes him almost certifiable!).  

I don't think he agonizes over my faults like I do his.

If he'd only learn to just pick up his damn underwear...then I wouldn't, as he calls it, "NAG".

Recently, I was talking to one of my best friends about being married...and we both married incredible men, who, like every one, have flaws.  Somehow, we began to talk about someone we know who got married merely for the wedding...and how from our perspective have nothing in common enough to talk about on a daily basis.  And I thought about me & BJ.  How we talk all the time..about serious stuff, about dumb stuff, about future stuff.  Sometimes we horseplay in the living room and dance in the kitchen.  Sometimes, we pick fights with each other just so we can scream and yell (and then make up).  Our life is a comedy of errors full of laughter and tears and passion...we are two extremely strong personalities living under one roof...and I can't imagine being with any one else.  And I can't imagine living with someone I have nothing in common with.

So many people/friends I know got married because they wanted a wedding.  The veil, the dress, the flowers, the dj.  When the music stopped, they were stuck in a  house with someone they thought was "fun", eating boxed macaroni off brand new everyday china and wondering, "is this what it is really all about?"  I mean, let's face it--boys smell bad.  And if you didn't grow up with brothers, you didn't know that going in (unless you lived with them beforehand...which I did and I swear he wasn't as smelly...messy, yes...smelly...no).  There is this fantasy of "playing house" and cooking gourmet meals and planting flowers and wild, passionate love affairs with each other (okay, maybe that particular one was mine) and a few months into it you realize that you just wake up and get ready for work and work eight hours and come home and clean up and cook dinner and veg out and watch tv and are in bed before the ten o'clock show and asleep before the evening news and the next day you do it all over again.  

But that is not just marriage...that is adulthood.

My life was that boring and mundane before I was married...except every once and a while I'd go out and dance at the club.  But by the time I turned 25, I was just a little too old to go "clubbin'".  The wine bar was nice, though.  But all the same responsibilities existed--job, bills, family.  Now, though, I have to think about how my actions/words/thoughts/desires will impact another person.  I wonder if people really think about it in those terms when they get married.  I know that we did.  We talked  a lot about how the things we desired meshed or didn't with our life plans as an "us".  I know too many people who get married because it seems like "the next step" or "we've been together so long" and they have never really experienced the world on their own.  And I don't buy that whole, "we're going to experience the world together" crap.  Something like 70% of people who get married before they are 25 get divorced.  One in three couples get divorced.  I attribute this to not knowing yourself.

No, just because I waited until I was 27 to get married doesn't mean I'm right.

Often, I find my thoughts on things I thought I knew about are changing...but I do think that there is something to be said about A) having a job you got all on your own; B) having an apartment that YOU pay for...ALL THE BILLS C) eating burnt frozen waffles for dinner with the very last squeeze of syrup because that was all you could afford...and you don't get paid for 3 more days.  Those are the moments/times/years that build character.  And independence.  And stories for the future.

So when you are almost thirty and have a house (that you paid for all by yourself) you can be proud of it...even if you have to pick up your husband's dirty underwear off the floor.

And even though he gets on your nerves...eternally...you know yourself well enough to know what your faults are--and that you are getting on his nerves just as bad.  You don't depend on each other in the same ways--for like, your entire self worth.  When you've experienced the world on your own...your self worth was created/summoned/realized by YOU.  I don't need BJ to make me feel like I am worth something to this world...but I have carved out a nice little place for him in my life that requires him to help me in other, more healthy ways.

We are two different people...not "ONE"...existing in a world we've created and maintained.  But we have individual ideas and needs and desires.

Like sometimes, I want to snuggle....and he wants to grope.

happy, happy birthday baby...

Tomorrow, my husband turns 29.  This kind of freaks me out--I mean, I remember when I was 20 and I thought 30 was SUPER old...and here he is, on the cusp of a new decade, his last year of being in his 20s.  And I'm right behind him.  Just a month away.  

Except when I turn 29, I'll be a mother.  So weird.

When I was 18, I decided on all the things I would do before I turned 30.  Like all goal-oriented, A-type personality teenagers, I made a list:

By the age of 30, I will:

1)  be married

2)  have a successful writing career

3)  finished my Master's Degree

4)  be published

5)  have a kid

So, I guess I have a year to accomplish 2 & 4...not so bad, if I do say so myself.  Plus, all the profs in grad school say that publishing before the age of 30 is unlikely--apparently 20 somethings don't have a lot of relevance to say.  Who knew?

I am beginning to wonder if we are ready...you know, for adulthood.  I mean, at this point, there is no real going back.  But we are officially entering that "we're the adults now" stage and it is a lot on the scary side.  Sure, we got married.  Yeah, we own a house & pay the bills.  We run a household smoothly...just the two of us.  And we've functioned well just the two of us for almost three years now (wow...hard to believe it will be 3 years in December since we got back together and 2 years since we got married).  And I know that both of us will be awesome parents...mostly because we want to be parents for the right reasons...but then, you realize (or at least I do) that in a few short weeks, I will be responsible for a human life...yes, there is a human growing inside of me and I will be responsible for her.

What if I forget her at the grocery store?  What if I cuss too much and she begins to repeat my bad habit?  What if I smother her?  What if I am too relaxed?  How come at 29 I am all of a sudden old enough and responsible enough to be a Mommy?  This makes no sense to me.  How do I know I am ready?  How do I know that my goals have been complete...how do I know I am setting a good example for my daughter?

The answer is simple.  I don't.  But I do know that there are a lot of people in this world that are parents that really aren't ready.  They get pregnant on accident or because everyone else is and they can hardly take care of themselves.  There are people who are selfish and self consumed and are thrust into adulthood because of bad or intentional choices they weren't ready for.

But that is not us.  We quickly went from two very independent, bohemian-style outlooks on life to a couple...there was no real gradual courtship.  One day we were single...the next day we were inseparable.  And I think we've done a pretty darn good job being adults thus far.  

Hopefully. 

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

For many, the most wonderful time of the year comes when the weather begins to get blustery, the jingle of the Salvation Army bell begins to ring, parents continuously remind children, "Santa is watching", and our homes fill with the smells of family--dirty laundry, turkeys, Christmas cookies and pine needles.  I love the Holiday Season, too.  Stories of The Grinch & flying reindeer, the joy & merriment of the spirit of the people around you, wrapping paper and Christmas Carols give me warm fuzzy feelings, too.

However, I think the most wonderful time of the year begins a few months sooner.

Ah, the start of school.

For most people, the Holidays and New Year is a time of new beginnings, resolutions, a chance to start over.  For me, August has always been that time. Unlike people "in the real world" (that was sarcasm, yes), teachers get to update themselves every 9 months.  We get to start fresh--new students, new supplies, new ideas, new parents.  Whatever mistakes I made teaching, either in content or with handling situations, I get to make it up and try again.  Sure, most of us don't change completely, but we get to start fresh.  Most jobs don't have that luxury.  You screw up, you live with it until your next job.  Summer has a magical way of erasing not just the bad memories of the year--but the mistakes, too.  With new class rosters is your chance to change the things that didn't work out--and try something new.  Of course, unlike "desk jobs", there are significant challenges that are brought about...but that, to me, is part of the fun.  Learning what the challenges are--and facing them.

And then there are the school supplies.  Forget holiday shopping--put me in an isle of new notebooks, pencils, markers, note cards, hot glue, construction paper.  New school supplies are a high like I have never experienced.  (I should have known I was destined to be a teacher--I've always loved new school supplies!)  There is something almost orgasmic about the way a brand new Uni Ball pen feels on a new, never been written on Mead 5-Star notebook (and yes, brand does matter when it comes to school supplies!)

The greatest invention was tax-free weekend...it is merely an excuse to buy more school supplies than I need.

One of the greatest things about starting fresh is coming up with new ideas and tweaking old ideas so that fit in the context of a new one.  For example, this year, I am having a "Facebook" Theme.  Students will not only fill out their own status updates & profiles for themselves, but for the characters in the novels that we read, too.  I like to try to get students engaged by utilizing new and cool ideas from pop culture.  It is how I try to stay "hip".

No, teaching high school is not all presents on Christmas morning.  Most of the time, I feel stuck in the aftermath of the holidays--you know, where you are sluggish because of too much triptophan?  But every once in a while, students actually "get" it.  And when they do, to see that light bulb go off....well, it's like opening that one present you've wanted all year on Christmas morning over and over again.

For the Record

My nine-year-old, 5th grade, Sarah Palin loving cousin has reminded me of something that I have been continuously been telling my father my entire life:  it doesn't matter what you meant or intended it is the perception of your actions that counts.

For this, I would like to set the record straight.

FOR THE RECORD:  It was not my intention to "call out" or upset my cousin, Aunt or Uncle.  I was merely using the Sarah Palin/Republican anecdote as just that--a short, specific  little aside to illustrate a larger point, laced with sarcasm revealing my own personal bias in an effort to make something funny.  This is my own personal writing style--certainly not meant to hurt anyone's feelings.

FOR THE RECORD:  I, too, think my uncle is one of the smartest people I have ever met.  And while I don't share his same political views, I respect his view point and most importantly, that we live in a country that allows us to have differing view points and still love each other.  I also immensely respect that he talks to his daughter about what is happening in the world and that she is more knowledgeable as a 5th grader than most of my adult friends.  It is my hope to give my child the same knowledge and forum as he does.

FOR THE RECORD:  I think that my Aunt and Uncle are amazing parents...besides my own, they are the people that I look up to the most and hope to model my parenting skills after.

FOR THE RECORD:  When Caroline grows up, I hope she is just like Madison--a passionate child with more charisma and savy in one small finger than most people have in the entire being.  And if Caroline likes Sarah Palin, I'll be okay with it (but I am certainly rooting for Hillary).

and finally, FOR THE RECORD:  It really wasn't my intent to upset anyone, and I'm sorry.

misguided youth

My 5th grade cousin is obsessed.  With what?  Jonas Brothers, Facebook, dance, Miley Cyrus...oh yeah, and Sarah Palin.

I blame her father for misguiding her.  He told her once that I was a liberal.  She asked, "What's that?" and he replied, the enemy.  

I am the enemy in my family.

That's okay...better than being the ignorant.

Today, Sarah Palin is no longer Governor of Alaska.  Some of my friends see this as a bad thing--they are afraid that Mrs. Palin will gain momentum and potentially more support to help her raise a bid for the 2012 election.  But I don't.  I think that the Ethics Violations (and the half million dollars she's already forked out personally for her defense) offend most progressive, reasonable Americans.  Her true lack of experience is frightening.  Now she can add another adjective to her resume--quitter.  I don't think the American people are too keen on having a public servant who is willing to quit mid-term.  What happens if the Presidency gets too hard for her?  What then?  One of the greatest lessons my Dad ever taught me was that once you start something, you don't quit (so I wonder what he thinks of his girl Palin, now?).  Quitting is a true character flaw!  Forget that she was willing to abandon a special needs child to seek her own political gain.  Forget that her teenage daughter was knocked up before she graduated high school (and seriously?  that is a reflection on the parents, no matter how the Republican pundants try to spin it).  Once she begins her multi-million dollar book and speaking tour, pays off her debt, gets some more designer clothes, and continues putting her foot in her mouth...America will wisen up.  People are disabled financially and her "folksy charm" isn't going to make them feel better when she has private jets and the like.

Yeah, 100,000 people follow her on twitter.  10 times that follow Ashton Kutcher.  There are over 300 million Americans.  Sarah Palin is small potatoes.  People still remember the catastrophe that was the Katie Curric interview.  Or that Palin believes she can see Russia from her back yard...or that Joe completely annilated her in the Vice Presidential Debate.  She wants to run with the big boys (and girls...I would have LOVED to see Hillary run her down) but she can't...and if the Republicans are going to be that ignorant as to nominate her...then you ain't seen nothing yet.  BO will mop the floor with her so bad, she'll turn down the nomination before she gets a chance to apply her lipstick!

As for my misguided cousin...I still have hope.  She's only in the 5th grade...and it is kinda cute when she dresses up like Palin and wears her "Palin Power" button...but she doesn't really know better, she doesn't have a chance to know any better.  I have seen her generosity, love, and progressive nature--once she gets a chance to really "get" what is going on, she'll move over to my side.

And then we'll be allies.

i have absolutely NO concept...

...of boys and their toys.

BJ is absolutely OBSESSED with video games...particularly football and sports crap.  Since we've been together (like 3 years) he has had like 3 new X-Boxes because they keep breaking.  And no matter how much money is in the bank, once the X-Box breaks, he MUST get a new one.  Right then.  No exception.  I have seriously seen him have a spastic meltdown over the friggin' thing.

Luckily, the last one was bought new and with an extended warranty.  

So when it broke last week, all he had to do is take it to Best Buy and they fixed it...but he was without an X-Box for like 5 days...and this was College Football week...you know, the new College Football game that came out?  Yeah, I didn't know about it either...apparently it is a big deal.  So big, in fact, that he had to go to Target at 8 in the morning and get it (even when he didn't have an X-Box)...yes...at the doors when they opened.  To play a game he didn't have a system to play on.  After he bought his own copy, he spent the day at his buddy's house playing.  And several hours the next day.

And because he FINALLY got his system back last night, he played until the wee hours of the morning and then got up...he's up right now, 7:30 am, to play.  He just announced to me that the "first game of the high school play offs is against Fitzgerald"...like i care.  I saw REAL PLAY OFF GAMES in Fitzgerald...does he seriously think this matters???

I get that everyone should have something they enjoy doing...something that makes them happy...something that is fun...but I think my husband is sick and needs help.  He has unhealthy obsessions with things like golf, video games, gadgets...obsessions that are only quinched in the moment and must be met at those exact times...they are scary.  

I do not understand how grown men can spend hours (when they could be working, reading, god forbid, helping us around the house) playing some stupid video game.  Apparently he's in a "dynasty" whatever the hell that means.  I don't think I want to know.

I would just like an explanation...especially since I know if I went into my living room right now butt naked and tried to seduce him, he would push me out the way and tell me "I'm not in the mood"...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH BOYS??????

secrets...

i feel like the secret keeper of my family & friends.  i know things.  i know things i shouldn't but i do because people confide in me, i overhear information i shouldn't, i nose my way into details.  but then i have all this information that i can't do anything with...and i am of the belief that sometimes, you should tell the truth...hell, i'm a nonfiction writer.

like a certain someone i know...i think this person deserves to know that their sense of entitlement and inability to be patient has ruined their reputation and cost someone they care about deeply an opportunity they have worked extremely hard to attain.

i have a friend whose husband has inappropriate relationships with other women--especially when she is out of town.

i know that sometimes, small town police lie.

but i'm not really supposed to know any of this...and letting the secrets out won't do anything, really...just get people in trouble or upset or maybe not my friend...so what's the point, really?

i'll just carry the burden of truth.

DING DONG the witch is dead!!!!

from the Associated Press

ASILLA, Alaska – Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin abruptly announced Friday she is resigning from office at the end of the month, a shocking move that rattled the Republican party but left open the possibility she would seek a run for the White House in 2012.

Palin, 45, and her staff kept her future plans shrouded in mystery, and it was unclear if the controversial hockey mom would quietly return to private life or begin laying the foundation for a presidential bid.

Palin's spokesman, David Murrow, said the governor didn't say anything to him about this being her "political finale." He said he interpreted Palin's comment about working outside government as reflecting her current job only.

"She's looking forward to serving the public outside the governor's chair," he said.

And Pam Pryor, a spokeswoman for Palin's political action committee SarahPAC, said the group continues to accept donations on its Web site, with an uptick in funds after Palin's announcement.

The announcement caught even current and former Palin advisers by surprise. Former members of the John McCain campaign team, now dispersed across the country, traded perplexed e-mails and phone calls.

But personal pressures have been mounting — scrutiny on her family, legal bills, ethics investigations and a running, public fued with McCain's camp that has flared up again.

In a hastily arranged news conference at her home in suburban Wasilla, Palin said she will formally step down July 26, and Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell will be inaugurated at the governor's picnic in Fairbanks. She said she had decided against running for re-election as Alaska's governor, and believed it was best to leave office even though she had two years left to her term.

"Many just accept that lame duck status, and they hit that road. They draw a paycheck. They kind of milk it. And I'm not going to put Alaskans through that," she said.

The 2008 vice presidential nominee was seen as a likely presidential contender in 2012 and had proved formidable among the party's base. But the last week brought a highly critical piece in Vanity Fair magazine, with unnamed campaign aides questioning if Palin was ever really prepared for the presidency. The backbiting continued with follow-up articles recounting the nasty infighting that plagued her failed bid. Her advisers sniped with other Republicans, underscoring the deeply divided GOP looking for its next standard bearer.

Meghan Stapleton, Palin's personal spokeswoman, shot down speculation that ranged wildly from Palin dropping out of politics altogether to eyeing runs against fellow Alaska Republicans U.S. Rep. Don Young andU.S. Sen. Lisa Murkowski. Palin's comment about serving outside government refers to the present, she said.

Stapleton, however, said it's too early to say whether Palin would seek the presidency. In the meantime, the governor will continue to work "toward affecting positive change as a citizen without a title right now," she said.

"Her vision is what's best for Alaska, which translates into what's best for America," Stapleton said.

Palin's resignation, timed on the eve of the July 4 holiday when many Americans had already begun a three-day weekend, seemed designed to avoid publicity. She alluded to how she could help change the country and help military members — code that she didn't think her time on the national stage was over.

One senior Palin adviser, who spoke to the family in recent days, described the governor and her husband as tired of the constant media scrutiny. Nevertheless, the adviser was shocked to hear Palin's announcement Friday.

A longtime confidant who spoke on condition of anonymity to discuss private conversations, the adviser counseled the Palins that leaving government was politically unwise, but the governor was resolute.

Though the announcement touched off a flurry of speculation among Democrats and Alaska political bloggers that Palin had been drawn into one of the many criminal investigations that have upended Alaska politics in recent years, the adviser reported seeing no evidence of such an investigation and said if one is under way, then Palin has kept it to herself and it would be yet another surprise to supporters.

Jerry McBeath, a veteran political science professor at the University of Alaska Fairbanks, called the pending resignation a "smart move," both for Palin and the state.

But political analyst Larry Sabato, in Charlottesville, Va., said Palin's announcement left many confused. "I think it eliminates her from serious consideration for the presidency in 2012."

Palin said her family weighed heavily in her decision.

"I polled the most important people in my life, my kids, where the count was unanimous," she said. "Well, in response to asking, 'Hey, you want me to make a positive difference and fight for all our children's future from outside the governor's office?' It was four yeses and one 'Hell, yeah!" And the 'Hell, yeah' sealed it."

Palin's decision not to seek re-election was a familiar one for a potential presidential candidate. FormerMassachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney chose not to seek another term as he geared up for an unsuccessful 2008 presidential bid. Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty has announced he won't seek another term, giving him plenty of free time ahead of a potential 2012 bid.

Palin emerged from relative obscurity nearly a year ago when she was tapped as then Republican presidential candidate John McCain's running mate.

She was a controversial figure from the start, with comedian Tina Fey famously imitating her elaborate updo and folksy "You betcha!" on "Saturday Night Live."

In the presidential race, Palin became the butt of talk-show jokes and Democratic criticism after news broke that the Republican Party had spent $150,000 or more on a designer wardrobe, accessories and hair and makeup services for her. The high-end spending spree contrasted with the down-to-earth image she sought to craft for herself and became an unwelcome issue for the McCain campaign.

She didn't leave the limelight once McCain lost the presidency. She recently led a public spat with "Late Show" host David Letterman over a joke he made about one of her daughters being "knocked up" by New York Yankees baseball player Alex Rodriguez during the governor's recent visit to New York. Palin's 18-year-old daughter, Bristol, is an unwed, teenage mother. Letterman later apologized for the joke.

Palin also complained that her 14-month-old son, Trig, who was diagnosed with Down's syndrome, had been "mocked and ridiculed by some mean-spirited adults recently." She didn't elaborate.

Fred Malek, a Republican strategist who has advised Palin over the past year, said Palin was "really unhappy with the way her life was going."

"She felt that the pressures of the job combined with her family obligations and the demands and desires to help other Republican candidates led her to decide not to run again. Once that decision was made, she realized, why not do it now and let the lieutenant governor take over and get a head start on his election," Malek said.

Palin's move also prompted speculation among bloggers and critics that the governor was facing a looming political crisis or embarrassment.

"There's got to be something below the surface that's about ready to come to the surface that quite potentially she just didn't want to deal with as governor," said Andrew Halcro, a Palin critic who lost the 2006 gubernatorial race to her.

There is, for example, a pending public records request from Linda Kellen Biegel, an Anchorage blogger who is seeking e-mails showing an effort by the Palin administration to smear her critics including those filing ethics complaints against the governor. Biegel, whose own ethics complaint was dismissed, also is seeking an investigation into the financial profits to the Palin family from racing sponsors of Palin's husband, Todd, in the 2,000-mile Iron Dog snowmobile race.

"There may be embarrassing things in there. I don't know," Biegel said. "I'm just as baffled as a lot of people."

Stapleton, Palin's spokeswoman, dismissed the rumors of damaging news on the horizon.

"No truth whatsoever. Period," she wrote in an e-mail to The Associated Press. "Just more nonsense from the same people who choose to waste state resources."

Palin was first elected in 2006 on a populist platform. But her popularity has waned as she became embroiled in partisan politics following her return from the presidential campaign. Her term would have ended in 2010.

Palin expressed frustration with her current role as governor.

"I cannot stand here as your governor and allow the millions of dollars and all that time go to waste just so I can hold the title of governor," Palin said, referring to the alleged impact of multiple ethics complaints against her, most of which have been dismissed.

Palin remaining as governor is not good for Alaska, given the "political bloodsport" by her critics, Stapleton said. Stepping down is a "fighter's move," Stapleton said, essentially Palin stepping around political barriers in her way and pursuing her vision.

Palin's announcement comes after several recent blows to the Republican party. Ensign, a member of the Christian ministry Promise Keepers, stepped down from the Senate Republican leadership last month after admitting he had an affair for much of last year with a woman on his campaign staff who was married to one of his Senate aides. Ensign later disclosed he had helped the woman's husband get two jobs during the affair.

A government watchdog group, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, wants the Senate ethics committee and the Federal Election Commission to investigate.

Just days after news of Ensign's affair broke, Sanford admitted an affair with a woman in Argentina. Some lawmakers are now calling for his resignation. Before the admission, Sanford had been missing from the state for five days visiting his lover. He had slipped his security detail, lied to his staff about where he was and failed to transfer power to the lieutenant governor in case of a state emergency.

The party's troubles seem to have left two prominent 2012 prospects, former House Speaker Newt Gingrichand 2008 presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, unscathed, however.

Palin has the potential to make far more money in the private sector than the $125,000 or so she has been making as governor.

Palin already had a deal with publisher HarperCollins to produce her memoirs, with publication planned for next spring. Terms of the deal have not been disclosed. Six-figure book deals are common for high-profile political figures.

___

Associated Press writers Mark Thiessen in Anchorage, Beth Fouhy in New York and Sandy Kozel, Matt Apuzzo and Sharon Theimer in Washington, D.C., contributed to this report.

you have to admit, it's getting better...

Ahhhhhh, Savannah.  I love Savannah.  Even though I step outside from a shower and fresh face of make-up and immediately Mary Kay is dripping into my shirt, I still love Savannah.  The gnats feast on my thighs (and sometimes up my nose) but I still love it.  Most Christmases you are more likely to wear tank tops and flip flops than winter coats and scarves.  Doesn't matter.  I love Savannah.

I've often wondered why I love Savannah so much.  While driving to Savannah for an extended stay with my parents I realized what it is that I love so much--it's home.  I call it home.  Always have.  Even though I've only technically lived in the city limits of the Hostess City five years sporatically in my life.  Savannah is still home.  It is where I am from.

Growing up, most of our family was in Savannah.  Mom & Dad grew up here.  Leigh and I were born here.  (FYI:  If you are born in Savannah, you are "from" Savannah.  If you were not born here but moved here and lived her all your life you are not "from" Savannah, you live in Savannah.  The only exception to this rule could be Paula Deen.  Possibly.)  I guess we moved so much growing up that "home" became a relative term.  I always considered Savannah home because our family was so transient.  When I come to visit, I say, "I'm going home this weekend."  And I don't consider our Atlanta suburb home.  Cumming is merely where I live.

I think this upsets my husband because we pay a mortgage for a house that I don't consider home.  And it's not really the house that I don't consider--it is the town, the area.  I think that certain people are born with salt water in their blood, sand between their toes, and a high tolerance for sweet tea, pecan pie, and visitin' for an afternoon.  That's me.

Mostly, though, I think Savannah is home because I associate Savannah with my Mom and Dad.  And where ever they are, so will be my heart.   I know it's cliche..."home is where your heart is", but I guess I always knew (and still know) that no matter what...I am always safe here.

Home.

In Savannah, Georgia.

interesting article from the AJC

Analysis: SC gov's disappearance a problem for GOP By BETH FOUHY Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK — South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford's admission of an affair with a woman from Argentina is the latest sign that Republican governors — once thought to be President Obama's most credible adversaries — haven't quite lived up to their billing.
From Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal's cringe-inducing nationally televised response to Obama's first budget address to Texas Gov. Rick Perry's suggestion that his state might secede, GOP governors — including those said to be eyeing a potential 2012 presidential bid — haven't exactly looked like the political grown-ups many party strategists had promised.

(enlarge photo)
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford tearfully admitted to having an affair during a news conference in Columbia, S.C., Wednesday, June 24, 2009. He said that was the reason why he was in Argentina. He also announced that he is resigning as chairman of the Republican Governors Association.(AP Photo/Mary Ann Chastain)
And none has had a rockier go of it than the party's best-known governor, Alaska's Sarah Palin. The 2008 GOP vice presidential nominee has been dogged by ethics complaints and has engaged in public feuds with Levi Johnston, the former fiance of Palin's teenage daughter, Bristol, and the father of Bristol's infant son, and with late-night comic David Letterman.
Palin, whose vice presidential bid sparked a devoted grass-roots following across the country, has also angered GOP leaders in Washington for poor communication and for canceling appearances at party events and fundraisers.
But the latest high-profile fiasco involves Sanford, whose outspoken effort to refuse part of the federal stimulus money due his state had made him a darling of conservatives and fueled talk that he harbored presidential aspirations. But after disclosing the year-long affair at a news conference in Columbia, S.C., Sanford announced his resignation as chairman of the Republican Governors' Association .
Sanford, a father of four, disappeared last week, without telling his wife or staff where he was going. For two days after reporters starting asking questions, his office said he had gone hiking on the Appalachian Trial. He said Wednesday he had mentioned the possibility of a hiking trip to his staff before leaving. He confirmed Wednesday he had actually visited Argentina for several days.
So odd was the disappearance that Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, another Republican, publicly complained about Sanford's lack of communication.
The 49-year old Sanford has been a fierce critic of Obama's $787 billion economic stimulus package, even going to court to block $700 million South Carolina was to receive. He lost the court battle but boosted his national profile, making him a target of attack from national Democratic operatives — many of whom pounced on Sanford's unusual departure.
To be sure, not all politically ambitious GOP governors have seen their political fortunes stuck in the spring mud.
Mississippi's Haley Barbour was heading out Wednesday for high-profile visits to New Hampshire and Iowa, states with key early presidential contests. Barbour assumed the duties of Republican Governor's Association chairman after Sanford announced his resignation from the post on Wednesday.
Minnesota's Tim Pawlenty announced last month he would not seek re-election next year, clearing the way for an expected 2012 bid.
Florida's Charlie Crist is running to succeed retiring Republican Sen. Mel Martinez next year and could well have a presidential bid in the future. And Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman, who won praise for pushing his party to diversify, was viewed as enough of a political threat to Obama in 2012 that the president appointed him to be ambassador to China.
Barbour, a former chairman of the Republican National Committee and a well-regarded political strategist before becoming Mississippi governor, has long insisted that GOP governors would lead the party's efforts to rebuild. He reiterated that belief in an interview Tuesday, while acknowledging some of his colleagues' recent public relations challenges.
"When Democrats have majorities in Washington, Republicans there can oppose bad things and propose good things, but can't demonstrate that Republican ideas work," Barbour said. "The reason governors are so important is that they can take our ideas, implement them and show they can work."
In a sign that the political fortunes of Democratic governors may not be faring much better than their Republican counterparts, Barbour attended fundraisers this week for GOP gubernatorial candidates in New Jersey and Virginia.
In New Jersey, polls show former U.S. Attorney Chris Christie leading incumbent Gov. Jon Corzine, while former Virginia Attorney General Bob McDonnell is running a strong race against Democratic state Sen. Creigh Deeds to be the state's first GOP governor in eight years.

hey mark majors...this one's for you...

SERIOUSLY????  I am asking in ALL honesty...WHAT IS WRONG WITH REPUBLICANS?

First, they criticize one of the best Presidents in recent history (and I really was a Hillary supporter, but I have to give it to Obama...he is a ROCK STAR) for DOING something...for signing more legislation in the first 5 months of office than Georgie signed in eight years.  These are the same people that go on the record when Jamie Lynn Spears gets knocked up at 16 and says that it's her parent's fault and in the next breath applaud Sarah Palin for sticking by her daughter when she was knocked up.  Had it been Obama's daughter, the Republicans would have totally pulled the race card and said:  another black, unwed, teenage daughter.

And while we're on the subject, let me digress.

I don't believe hate is healthy...however, this is America and we are the most unhealthy people in the world so a little hate ain't gonna kill us...I really do to the depths of my soul hate Sarah Palin.  I think that what she stands for as a woman and a mother is disgusting...I think the way the Republicans fawn all over her like she is the second coming of Jesus is ridiculous and I think that Sarah Palin is the Poster Woman for BAD MOTHER.  Any mother who willingly leaves a sick child to flaunt around the country to try to gain her own personal power should be put in J-A-I-L.  Why doesn't social services go to her house and investigate her???????  You think the exploitation of the Gosselin children is bad--Sarah Palin is FAR worse.

For example...David Letterman.  She used his joke to gain media attention for herself.  She doesn't really care about women's rights or protecting young girls (look at her political philosophies...it's there in black and white).  COME ON...will someone PLEASE shut this woman up?  I think what bothers me most are all the women out there that I really care about and respect who have "I support Sarah Palin" messages on their Facebooks and really do think that she was an adequate choice in female leadership for our country.  She can't make a coherent sentence, she thinks she can see Russia from her back yard, and she in no way supports the rights of women that grassroots and major organizations have been working on for years.  It makes me sick.  Really and truly....I think my blood pressure just went up a little bit more!

Now...back to Republicans in general....or specific...

What the hell is going on the SC governor Mark Sanford????  It wasn't that long ago that Republicans were calling for Clinton's head...and still make fun of him...or John Edwards...and now this SC governor (tauted as Obama's opposition in 2012) has floundered...like so many of those god-fearing, moral valued republican men in congress we've come to know. 

And the republicans just shrug it off like it is NO BIG DEAL...

Guess what?  I don't personally think that the fidelity of anyone is my business--public figure or not...we've got bigger fish to fry in America, people...like the fact that Detriot is becoming a ghost town, like the fact that I pay a RIDICULOUS amount of money for healthcare (and have already paid a ridiculous amount this year in preparation for my babY) but people with gov't assistance get the same service FOR FREE...I want free healthcare.  What about the fact that our schools are in SHAMBLES...No Child Left Behind (in my opinion, GWB's sickest and worst legacy) has created a situation where teachers must cow-tail to parents and standards that are leaving our students STUPID.  Yes, I said it.  When I teach 10th graders who (THE MAJORITY) read on 7th grade level or BELOW then America has a PROBLEM.

And the Republicans want Obama to solve all this shit over night...NOT POSSIBLE...it took GWB 8 years to screw it up...give BO a chance to turn it around...and stop trying to confuse the American public with crap that doesn't matter ... like your hypocritical take on EVERYTHING!!!  (Oh yeah, can you shut Sarah Palin up, she is seriously getting on my nerves...and upsetting the baby!!!)

silence, but a memory

silence, but a memory

for the time that you 

were here

and said that you would

never leave

and yet, i sit in silence

bracing myself for morning

wondering, waiting

hearing nothing

but the neighbor

mow the grass.

what is is about the Pizza Hut Buffet?

So I had the opportunity to eat at the Pizza Hut Buffet today--alone.  Yes, sometimes (especially in the summer), I eat alone...and guess what?  I am totally a better person for it.  I used to be afraid to eat alone...severely afraid...afraid beyond anyone's imagination.  I thought it was sad when people went out by themselves with a newspaper or book and, aghast, ate alone.  But then I lived alone for like 3 years...so sometimes, if I wanted to go out, I had to eat alone...and I got over my fear...and now I actually like eating alone.

But I digress.

I often wonder if my own personal obsession with Pizza Hut (particularly thin crust pizza with pepperoni and extra sauce) can be attributed to the fact that my mother ate an entire Pizza Hut pizza the night she gave birth to me.  She also drank 2 beers.  And ate like 3 salads.  And I really like beer.  And salad.  So I wonder if this is because it is the last bit of nutritional excellence I received before I came out of the...you know...birthing area.  Ever since I was little I would often hanker for that Pizza Hut yumminess...and if it was a buffet...the better!! :)  (but sssshhhh...don't tell my husband, he thinks I don't like the Golden Coral because it's a buffet.  that's not true...I don't like it because it's GROSS!!!! and redneck).  Pizza Hut has always been my favorite.

So here I was, 7 months pregnant, out of the house because something is seriously going wrong with my mind I can't seem to stay still and I have seriously like designed and ordered everyone's Christmas gift online so I needed to get the hell out of the house today...and I needed lunch.  LOW AND BEHOLD...A Pizza Hut Buffet.  

I walked in...it smelled so good...like cinnamon and garlic...I know that they thought, "MAKE A FEW MORE PIZZAS" but I didn't over indulge...just several slices.  What's a girl to do?  I was hungry.  Pizza Hut, however, isn't the same.  (It's probably been like 15 years since I've actually been inside a PH...usually they come to me).  This one wasn't super clean (and the bathrooms were disgusting) and the service wasn't the best...but the pizza, oh the pizza...it was what I had wanted.

And then, after I read 2 chapters in ANGELS & DEMONS and paid my bill and left the buffet line, I begin to have eaters remorse.  This tends to happen every time I eat something that is OH SO GOOD but not for me! 

But hey, I'm pregnant...I'll give myself a break.

Laying In Bed Naked With My Clothes On

Against the wind I watched you dance

Caring only in my mind

Never daring to take a chance

 

You, so wonderfully your own

Inside and out

Never apologizing for it is all you’ve known

 

And here I am lying still

Afraid to let my heart speak

Knowing if I will

 

Too many words will slip form my lips

My bold shyness

Is all you get

 

As I lay in your arms I see

That life is merely these compressed moments

In this moment, you found me

 

Searching for night untainted by along

And we wandered into each others arms

Solace, security—still not known

Threatened by our passionate display of being afraid to let our hands roam.

Falling Through The Looking Glass

What was it that just happened

my thoughts

            merely pieces

Of a puzzle

            no connection

 

I’m falling through the looking glass

            there’s Alice, Hello!

Watching as I fall the

Empty faces starring at me, watching me

            fumble

The incoherent mantra of the day’s activities

            like a very Merry UnBirthday

Pieced together with fractions of unwords to fill the

Space.

 

It stopped, finally

Where did the time go?

            Passed by on the coattails of a rabbit

While I fell from a hole in the Earth back to Earth

Realizing that I no longer live in

Wonderland.

leaving las vegas

i came to win

hoping life would find me or i’d find life

there was

a fleeting speck of day when i thought

i hit the jackpot

so s surrendered to the wilds of the moment

soaking up every steal, every play, every move

falling ever so slowly into the trap of the game

i thought the had dealt

was perfect, suited me fine

and just as i was laying my cards on the table

you folded

leaving me to pick up the chips

untouchable face

beyond my peripheral vision*

he stands on the circumference of life

i turn my head to see him, move to feel him

but he doesn’t see me

he walks around in a world of his own creation

trying to avoid individuality, though it finds him

swearing at the wind of his mindless apparitions

he sits next to me and I reach out to touch him..

i can’t.

 

his father’s church does not intimidate me

i come and pray at his altar

a rosary of unknowing, seeking to find redemption

in the son’s sacrifice.

 

i haven’t seen his resurrection but he told me that it exists

and i wonder if he knows that while he stands on the outside

of a world created for us

i look into the eyes of the stars

for answers

praying to our God for a whisper of hope.

 

i stand clear of him as i see his shy walk

through the garden of edification

i don’t feel worthy of his grace and yet

he smiles at me as if to say come closer

and i move closer to feel him

i reach out my hand to touch his…

i can’t.

 

 

 

*line from 32 Flavors by Ani DiFranco

I don't have a God problem...

I have never been a huge fan of religion...seems so stifling...even as a young girl, I remember being in Confirmation Classes and our preacher (who seemed VERY old to my 3rd grade self and not very open or progressive) dismissed my question, "But how do you know that Jesus was really real and not just a man?"  And I thought as Rev. Cardy ignored me that I did not want to be apart of his religion--didn't seem to promote an openness that I grew up in.

I have been lucky to have some wonderful spiritual advisors in my life who have let me question and who have helped me in my quest for understanding--my mother, a fantastic college professor, my childhood friend/minister.  All of whom allowed the question, never dismissing, giving me their own take on the subject.  Though my mother was a little concerned when, at 25, I still questioned Jesus' prophet hood.

I think that it is ironic that all of the people who have helped shape my personal faith are women--and religion is such a patriarchial institution. 

My husband and I attend a mega church--one that if we aren't there, no one notices (just two extra seats for others who are standing around).  We go regularly, but it seems in recent months, we haven't attended, not because of lack of faith but because of travel or life.  No real reason...sometimes, we just needed to sleep in.  Church, to us, is important, but not enough to join.  We feel safe surrounded by other sinners who do not know our names and we find comfort in the anonymity of our own personal experiences.  We often have "God" or "Church" conversations and I think that we are both secure enough in our belief that we want to raise our children in  a loving Christian home but that teaching those values doesn't mean that we have to be at church every time the door opens.

Church scares me.  Just a little.

And I still don't know if I have an answer to my third grade question.

I think my lack of understanding Jesus bothers my husband just a little--he tends to lean toward the blind faith realm.  Not me.  It's not that I need proof.  I have seen miracles and I know that God does exist.  I don't have a God problem.  I have a Jesus problem.  In some ways, that is enough for me.

But I can't help but want to go to church--and feel guilty when I don't.

I feel better about myself and my week when I am there.    And that means something to me.

I don't give a lot of money to the church--I feel that tithing is personal and that it doesn't have to be given to the church but to those in need, so I try to help out those people who ask (or who don't) with what I can and I think that both my husband and I have generous hearts (and pockets).

Isn't that what being a Christian is all about?

Then why do I often have an usettling feeling that I am a bad person or I should do more?  Isn't that what church, a manmade establishment designed to make people feel better about themselves by giving them answers to age old questions and in the meantime making you feel guilty, is supposed to do?

I think that my God is the same God that a 28-year-old sitting on her computer in Islamic Pakistan worships.  I think that my God is the same one a Budhist monk prays to in Tibet.  

I like to think of faith/religion/God as an umbrella.  At the top is God.  God is the same for everyone.  How you get to God--Budha, Jesus, Muhammed, Hinduism, etc--is up to you.  Everyone's beliefs are shaped through culture, ideas, history, proximity.  Just like in the Christian faith, there are several different "takes" on the stories and interpretations of the bible--Methodist, Baptist, Catholic, Presbyterian, Episcopalian.  God is still God in all of these sects, why can't we all be worshiping the same God?

God is love.  And I have a hard time believing that God would condemn people who love--homosexuals, heterosexuals, interracial couples.  And I don't understand how people can justify hate crimes (and MURDER) in the name of God and church and Jesus.  It pisses me off BEYOND belief.  I understand that the "RELIGIOUS RIGHT" needs to feel self-important, but my understanding and interpretation of church, of God's love holds no place for ignorance and hate.

And I guess that means I still have a lot of questions.

at what point...

...did we become yuppies?  I mean, seriously...a few years ago we ate cheap so that we when went out, we could drink cheap (or didn't eat at all).  I drove a two-door, stick shift Honda Civic and swore I'd never get rid of it...stickers on the back and all.  My idea of a good night out was a pack of smokes, a frozen pizza and a 12-pack of Budlight long-neck bottles.  Up until recently, I still wore clothes that I wore in college (8 years ago!).  I owned one pair of heels that I never wore and I thought that "nice jeans" (meaning freshly washed) could be worn for all occasions.

I look at my husband and I see the same thing happened to him, too.  While he was never quite a hippie (and no where near the dirty hippie I was) he was definitely alternative.  Combat boots, torn jeans, bracelets.   Um, now he irons his khakis, has a collection of polos that would make Arnold Palmer jealous and he, ahem, plays golf.

WHAT?????

And I know that we haven't, at least, I haven't, lost some of our old ideas and beliefs in justice, peace, and humanity.  But I think it is funny that now we eat at nice restaraunts, stay in nice hotels (and totally bitch when we stay at a hotel that isn't up to our "standards"...the same hotels a few years ago would have been considered swanky), wear clothes that match (and aren't ragged out), and...I drive a mid-size SUV.  

I looked at BJ the other day and said, "I think it's official.  We're yuppies."  He just stared at me and then we both shuddered...and then laughed.

outside my window...

the sea breeze runs it's fingers through the hair of the 

American Flag

the wings of the birds paint the sky the color

of the ocean below

the neon lights of OPEN blink hello

to the visitors looking for plastic memories to 

take home

outside my window

the breeze sticks to my skin

exfoliating all the stress of life

and the sun smiles upon my place it 

kissed me yesterday

and i smile back with my jackie-o style

as the young lovers pretend to ignore each other

while they hold hands

outside my window

is paradise.

it was a place i loved once...

...my fantastic husband made arrangements to bring me to Charlotte for the graduation of some of my CCHS students and to see some old friends who i haven't seen in a while.  as we were driving the streets of my past, i realized how much i missed it and love it here...but at the same time, i wouldn't change leaving (even though i am not in love with where i currently abide) because if i didn't leave, i wouldn't be with him.

and i love him.  very much.

even though sometimes i think the only thing we agree on is that we love each other.

even though he drives me C-R-A-Z-Y.

and while i would like to move back to a more progressive area instead of living in the the republican capital of the world (seriously, i think that only two people in my town voted for Barack Obama--me & bj).  but i am hoping that soon he will get a promotion and we'll be offered a chance to move somewhere different.

i hope.

maybe.

this is random...i think my brain is still asleep.

really?

i don't understand people.  certain people.  selfish people.  people who make plans that should involve you and then call you too late to participate in an effort to "make an effort" when it is apparent that the invitation was only to make it seem like they weren't the assholes. ugh.

and then when you do things correctly--like plan for a special event and make things nice and include them, they are always here to drink your beer and eat your food.  and they don't bring anything.  or they bring the ingredients to make something when they get to your house.

rude.  just rude.  and selfish.  ugh.

what happens when you eat all your allotted calories before 9am?

It has become too easy...my caloric intake has become too large.  And before you people start commenting "but you're pregnant" you need to realize that on average, as a pregnant woman, you need only 300 more calories than usual.  And what was normal before pregnancy?

Before pregnancy, I wouldn't dare eat a biscuit from McDonald's or any other drive-thru.  Very rarely would I feast on doughnuts.  I would never, ever be able to down an entire meal complete with salad, breadsticks, and pasta from Georgio's nor would I sit and eat an half a pizza in one sitting (well, maybe if that sitting was  a lazy Saturday and it was breakfast/lunch/dinner).  Certainly, french fries would not be a common veggie on my plate.  I am shocked that my ass still fits on the sofa.  

So I know I shouldn't worry...if I was gaining too much weight the doctor would tell me.  Many people so sweetly note that I don't really look "that" pregnant (and I guess that means huge and massive for 6 months in).  However, I feel my face getting rounder by the minute (yes, I can actually feel my chubby cheeks puffing out).  My breasts are enlarge to a point that I wonder if they'll ever be normal again.  And my thighs are starting to rub together.

I'd go out for a walk, but every time I get to the front of the neighborhood, I can barely breathe.  This extra 20+ lbs has made it difficult to breathe, walk, exercise, function.  I feel like I am a walking bowl of lard.  

And yet, I can't help myself.

It is not long after I complete gorging myself that I desire something more.  It's like, there isn't enough food in the world.  AND IT'S GROSS.

Just plain gross.

I NEED YOUR HELP!!!

hello friends...i need your help...ASAP!!!

so, everyone knows that i am a writer, i just really want to be paid to do it...all the time.  and i think i might have my chance.  i know someone who has a connection to none other than PAULA DEEN...yes, the Queen of Savannah, herself.  so i am putting together a set of essays/columns to send to her in hopes that she will hire me to write a column for her magazine & website.

the column that i am pitching is called "Mama Was Right" and it is meant to be for all those good southern girls who in the same place i am right now:  learning that our Mama's were right!  from writing thank you notes to throwing parties to getting along with the in-laws for the holidays. 

i need you to send me all of your ideas of the things Mama Was Right about!!!!

thanks!

i lost myself in mint chocolate chip ice cream...

so twenty pounds (probably more, now) heavier and i vow to walk almost everyday.  but there is a severe weather alert out...i've had a few cramps today...i am a bit exhausted for some reason (why, i don't know) so i found my saved dvr's, made myself a cup of creamy mint chocolate chip ice cream and ordered a pizza (this is my life when my husband is out of town).  yes, i ate dessert first.  sometimes, you just need to.  no.  sometimes, you just want to.  and so i lost myself in a cup of creamy yet chunky mint chocolate chip ice cream and decided to forget about the calories (hey...i'm pregnant!).

then i remembered that i taped the today show.

and i watched bristol palin.

i can't say what i think about bristol palin because honestly, i don't know if i really have a particular feeling.  (i have a very particular feeling about her mother...it's not very nice...let's just say that she and george w. bush better not ever show up at my house because after i tell them how i really feel, i'll slam the door in their face then call the cops for trespassing).  after bristol went on national tv and said that abstinence is unrealistic for teenagers, she is now the spokesperson for a national abstinence campaign.  SERIOUSLY??? 

first, i operate under the assumption that all teenagers are having sex, smoking pot and getting drunk every weekend.  perhaps this is stereotypical and wrong; however, it alleviates a lot of angst on my part and when i found out they aren't doing these things, i can be surprised in a good way not a bad way.  and i think that it is a sad truth that abstinence is not realistic for teens today.  but it is a truth.  we have created a society in which sex and drugs are normal.  my students don't think that smoking pot is really doing drugs.  and they don't think twice about drinking and driving.  i teach a kid who is a really great kid--good, strong christian family and high moral integrity.  he lost his virginity as a freshman.  in the six or so months that he and his girlfriend have broken up, he's slept with at least five girls.  he has not "dated" a single one of them.  why i know this, i don't know...for some reason, they like to tell me things.  like this 11th grade girl who confessed she'd already had an abortion.  or the 10th grade girl who confessed she had an std.  or the guy who's girlfriend broke up with her because he wouldn't sleep with her.

teens are being pressured to be adults and their brains (and bodies) can't handle the decisions or the consequences.  the pressure is just too great.

i get what bristol palin is trying to do...but i don't think her current position on teen sex is real.  it's not realistic.  we can't tell these kids "don't do it"...even if that is what we want to say.  even that is what the right thing to say is.  i wish i had waited.  more than that...i wish i would have had sex with my husband when we were in high school...then we wouldn't have broken up.  but then again...i might have gotten pregnant at 18 instead of 28...

i don't know how to solve these problems (and i know, realistically, i can't).  but i don't think bristol palin going on national tv and saying "DON'T DO IT" is going to do any good.

it scares me.  it makes me depressed.  i think i'll eat another bowl of ice cream!

unmentionables

have you ever noticed that you mother has weird thoughts/sayings/insights into the world around her?  maybe your mother doesn't, but mine does.  she is constantly telling me what is "proper" and how i "should" be doing something.  

like underwear.  my mother is obsessed with underwear.

seriously, the woman rides around town with a pair of clean underwear in a ziploc bag in her glove compartment "just incase she has an accident".  my mother is 57 so there is no fear of incontinence, however, she is afraid that she'll sneeze or laugh so hard that she'll wet herself.  so she carries a spare.  just in case.

not only is my mother obsessed with her underwear, she is obsessed with my underwear, too.  and my dad's.  and my sister's for that matter.  sometimes, she inquires about my husband's unmentionables.  this is mainly in regards to if we packed enough underwear for a visit.  Mama's minimum:  two pairs for every day you are gone.  So, if it's a weekend trip, 6 pairs of undies.  A week trip, 14.  you get the picture.  once, i went on a ten day vacation--i only had sixteen pairs of underwear; mother insisted i go out and buy an extra four pairs.

i recognize that my mother is more than merely quirky...she's certifiable.  and that is okay.  i love her for it.  it's just, i am beginning to understand her obsession.

the other day, i was in target browsing and i felt a sneeze come upon me.  it came from deep in the depths of my stomach.  and as the sneeze came out of my nose,  a small little drip came from my you know where.   oh yes, i wet my panties. my husband could tell something was wrong because he said, "are you okay".  i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  i just looked at him and said, "i think i just peed my pants".  now it was his turn to not know if he should laugh.  his suggestion is that i wear panty liners from now until eternity...that will not work (he obviously doesn't understand the lack of absorption power that panty liners hold.  

so i guess i am stuck carrying around an extra pair of undies in a ziploc baggie.  you know, just in case.

same shit...different day...

so i really hate to complain...i've realized through the course of my life that you can get stuck in a negative place and then everything is negative and everything sucks and it's really hard to get happy...i was there a year ago.  stressed to hilts, teaching at a school where i felt like i just couldn't make a difference.  i did not understand nor agree with nor comply with the policies of the department in which i was stuck.  on top of that i had a few things going on in my personal life--getting married, buying a house, writing a graduate thesis.  you know, just a few things.  so i decided that i would do one of two things by years end A) get a transfer or B) find a new job.  luckily, A came before B.  so i moved.  and i started this year determined to make it better than any of the others i taught...and so was first semester.  the kids are low (well, low by the standards that i have...10th graders who read on a 6th or 7th grade reading level) but for the most part they were somewhat intuned to what i was trying to do.

christmas break commences.

i find out the day before school starts for second semester that i am pregnant.  as the weeks go by, i am more freaked and feeling shitty...but hey, i am still teaching.  the kids, however, have stopped learning.  and i say this in all sincerity...i know that i was not the BEST teacher from Jan-Mar this year...i do recognize that i could have done a better job HOWEVER COMMA, i have taken an unofficial poll from my colleagues across the building and all concur that the kids' attitudes, work ethics, and overall general demeanor completely sucked donkey balls from the start of second semester this year.  i accept my blame, but for some reason, they do not accept there's.

here's where the fun starts.

students refuse to do work.  students get zeros.  mommy calls and tells teacher that her pregnancy hormones are the reason student is not passing.  teacher gives student opportunity to redo and turn in make up work for partial credit.  student does not.  administrator tells teacher(s) to offer make up opportunities even though opportunities have been given.  SERIOUSLY??????  this is rigor in the classroom?

i just spent the better half of today arguing with 16 year olds about how they cannot EXEMPT the entire project due at the end of the year only the presentation.  (oh yeah, students can exempt exams based on their absences... so if you have 2 absences and a C in my class, guess what?  you don't have to take my exam...is this the real world?)

not to mention that they can not follow along on a sheet of paper that is copied front to back.  THEY ARE CONFUSED.  want to know the best part...I TEACH COLLEGE PREP!!!!

i know that all jobs have there problems and the grass isn't always greener...and yeah, i get that i get a summer vacation (so don't even go there)...but every day i see the world through the eyes of teenagers unable to make any real, competent decisions.  i used to be able to reach them...i don't think i've made a difference in any of the kids lives' i've taught in two years...

i don't know how much longer i can do this.

we need adult supervision...

i decided i wanted to get pregnant and convinced my husband this would be a good idea.  i suppose we always were on the same "time table"...we'd wait a year after we got married, disregard traditional birth control methods and see what happens.  well, about the middle of july when i was finished with graduate school, the house had been bought, we'd been married for six months and i was confident in job as an english teacher i began to feel strange...like something, someone was missing from our family.  i told my husband how i felt.  his response, "in january."  six months, not so long to wait.  right?

well, i think i whined enough that he finally gave into giving up the birth control in October--almost three months earlier than we originally planned.  i was sure i was going to get pregnant.  not the first month.  not the second month.  by christmas, i was starting feel something different--like maybe i wanted to try  a new career, work full time on my writing and/or take the financial hit and teach college.  i wanted to travel and began to long for my back pack and passport...we could wait another year to have a baby...why rush?

then, a few days after the new year, i woke up and felt terrible.  my boobs literally doubled over night and i felt like i had been in the worse bar fight.  i laid on the sofa for a day or two, convinced i was hungover from the holidays and just needed to rest up before school started back.  then it hit me--i might be pregnant.  anxiety swept over me and i convinced my husband to take me to the store for a pregnancy test.  he swore i wasn't knocked up.  there was only one way to find out.  i pulled the plastic cap off the stick, stuck in in the urine stream, and waited.  

the box said three minutes.  thirty seconds later, a very pink line appeared in the window, fifteen more seconds and the second one appeared.  two lines equals preggers.  i took the stick downstairs to my husband where he sat, feet propped up on the coffee table, playing Tiger Woods on the Wii.  I looked at him and said, "I'm pregnant."  I don't remember being happy or sad...no real emotion coming from my face, merely fact.  I showed him the test.  "Take another," he said...pure panic in his voice.  I could barely squeeze anything else out of me but the few drops i was able to conjure up made it very clear--i was most definitely knocked up.  My husband's response to the second positive:

"Call your mother, we need adult supervision."

as the next few months progressed and i spent more time on the sofa in front of the TV than anything else, i felt like my husband was more excited than i was about the baby.  he wanted to tell the whole world and i just wanted to lay down.  he bought the baby presents and i had to eat.  he wanted to talk about cribs and i just wanted silence.  it wasn't that i resented the little human growing inside of my i just didn't feel at all.  and that scared me.  was i normal?

and then the weirdest thing happened...sometime between hearing the heartbeat (it wasn't until 12 weeks that i actually heard it) and feeling it move inside of me, i realized something new about myself.  i am a mother.  i am a mother to this little person living inside of me and all of those things i thought i wanted somehow don't seem quite as important.  at least, not for me to do alone.  

don't get me wrong, i think these people that are like, "I loved being pregnant" are crazy.  yes, i said it, certifiable.  i haven't had a difficult or rough pregnancy (but i'm only 5 and a 1/2 months along and i still have the heat of the summer to endure so i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch) but i am know that i don't want to be pregnant a lot.  i mean, i'd like to have more than one child.  of course.  but for now, i just can't wait to meet this one...i already worry about who he/she will become, what he/she will like, if they'll love me.

and that, i think, was my biggest problem.

for the first four months of this, i was so afraid that this little person wouldn't love me.  i realize now, it's okay.  i love him/her enough for the both of us.

i think i have a lot of really great things to say...

...but i am having difficulty finding a forum for all of these wonderful little (actually big) ideas about life, love, writing.  my best friend (Alison Kendrick) encouraged me to start a blog...this would get my ideas out, my thoughts on the page, my name out in the open.  

i am a writer.

these days, i don't do a lot of writing, after a whirlwind year of finishing graduate school (MFA in Creative Writing), moving, getting married and buying a house, i took the year off to regroup creatively...then i got knocked up.  any desire/plan to write during those first three months was sucked away with the rest of my energy/brain/life by the little human growing inside of me.  i am sure in the next few months many of these blogs will be about this wonderful adventure i am embarking on...but it is my intent that this blog will serve as a gateway into my creativity...and hopefully i'll dazzle all y'all!!!

so this is my introduction...i promise my next entries will be more interesting...and thanks  Alison!   you encourage me and hopefully one day something will happen!